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Re: Relationships

Postby katraya » Wed Jan 29, 2014 6:38 am

Passionario wrote:
Nikachelle wrote:What will we talk about now?!?!

Lip balm. :P


It's like you've been spying on our gchats!
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Re: Relationships

Postby Nikachelle » Wed Jan 29, 2014 8:16 am

katraya wrote:
Passionario wrote:
Nikachelle wrote:What will we talk about now?!?!

Lip balm. :P


It's like you've been spying on our gchats!

Seriously.

I'm over the butter balm phase. Now I'm into butter gloss. :D

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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Wed Jan 29, 2014 4:32 pm

Bravo five one niner, bravo five one niner, this is whiskey tango foxtrot actual, come in, over.
Whiskey tango foxtrot actual, this is bravo five one niner, go ahead.
Bravo five one niner, abort thread, beauty products discussion incoming. I say again: abort thread, beauty products discussion incoming. Whiskey tango foxtrot actual, out.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Skye1013 » Thu Jan 30, 2014 12:05 am

Ok... so... I'm having an issue... and want to get other people's (unbiased) thoughts on it... I'll do my best to keep emotion out of the explanation, but as I'm human, that might be impossible to prevent entirely.

I've been seeing a guy for about a month and a half, everything started out great, we hung out, watched movies, went out to eat, cuddled, played games, had sex, etc. Lately though, he doesn't seem to have time for me. I'll invite him out somewhere and usually I'm met with a "maybe" or if it's something after work "it depends on how tired I am." By the time it comes for us to potentially go out, he's usually got other plans (including the after work nights.)

I grew out my mustache for him because he wanted to see what it looked like in person (he said he liked it from some pics he'd seen.) The other night the following conversation took place (ignore the typo):
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I then apologized if I upset him and told him I was having a brutally honest moment.

We had a discussion a couple days later about it and he apologized for being a jerk. I apologized again and then he told me about how his ex had cheated on him (which is why they broke up) and he had found out over the holidays who his ex had cheated with (and when) so was kinda bummed which was causing him to keep his distance.

That was 2 weeks ago. I've still tried inviting him out, but he still doesn't seem to have time for me. I don't know if I'm just not taking the hint and should stop trying or if maybe I'm just being too pushy or expecting too much from the relationship...

On top of that, I want to talk to him about where we are in the relationship (just friends, boyfriends, somewhere in between...) but don't want to do it over text or facebook...

Thoughts?
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Re: Relationships

Postby Skye1013 » Thu Jan 30, 2014 12:24 am

Additional info I forgot to put in the first post:

When I had sent the posted text message... one of his friends had just returned from a deployment (the first blacked out name) and they've also been in the process of finding a house to live in. I can understand that eats up some time, but even allowing for that, he's hung out with other people that weren't involved in either of those endeavors... so I'm feeling like I'm getting left behind.

Also, he's no longer in Honor Guard... just hangs out with the people that he knows from when he was in.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Thu Jan 30, 2014 9:19 am

From the screencap you posted, it looks like you're in Clingy Jealous Girl mode. I really don't know how to go about fixing that, because from the other side of it the only option that appears to people involved (and I've had a few - more than a few, actually - of these types of people in my life) is to break up and sever contact. There's probably a better way to do things than that that I just don't know, but sometimes just having someone let you know what you're doing is the key to fixing the behavior.

This looks relevant (if you ignore the whole gender thing): http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/r ... thdrawing/ . I'm not sure how relevant it actually is to your situation specifically, but it's worth a read at least, I guess?
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Re: Relationships

Postby Skye1013 » Thu Jan 30, 2014 10:51 am

I was wondering if that was the case and I'm not the best judge being in the middle of things, but we don't see each other all that often, so I'm not really sure how it would qualify as clingy. If we saw each other all the time and I was still berating him for never seeing him... I could easily see that assessment as being accurate.

Now, to be fair, we do have the same work schedule, so I see him at work, but we don't hang out at work and even when we chat, it's never anything intimate (as we haven't exactly announced that we're together and it's... work.) I don't know... I guess I'm just mostly upset because we haven't defined our relationship, so I don't know what expectations to have... and I don't want to have that discussion in an impersonal way.

Do I just bite the bullet and talk to him about it on facebook or should I hold out until we can have the face to face?

P.S. I'll check out the link later when I'm not at work.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Nooska » Thu Jan 30, 2014 2:14 pm

A really radical thought (obvious to non-involved people);

"I guess I'm just mostly upset because we haven't defined our relationship, so I don't know what expectations to have"

Tell him (not that you are upset, but that you are uunsure or whatever - upset sounds as if you lay the responsibility/blame on him when you say it directly)

Worst case, he doesn't think you have a relationship and says so (but I doubt that is the case from what you have posted on the subject so faR)
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Thu Jan 30, 2014 6:01 pm

I've never been on your end of this situation, but having been on the receiving end of the "so what the hell are we, anyway" conversation I can tell you that it sucks to be blindsided with it.

Try to vet the things you say so that you don't come across as needy or passive aggressive - that's just going to send him running screaming for the hills. DEFINITELY have the conversation face to face. Realize that you have to live with the outcome of the SWTHAWA conversation - and that it can be something that you don't want - for example: you want a relationship, he just wants a fuckbuddy. End result: no relationship and most likely no more sex, the friendship is probably tanked too.

Plan out a statement - write it down if you have to - and stick to your script. Pretend you're giving a press conference. Make sure he knows that you have something to say and you want to say it before being interrupted, derailed, or driven off on tangents, then give him a chance to respond and the same courtesy that he just gave you (that is, letting him talk while you listen). Realize that unless you're both on exactly the same page, if you do end up in some sort of relationship, things are definitely going to be awkward for quite some time and be prepared for the absolute worst.

And yeah, we're all the worst judges of our own situations. Distance grants perspective, which is something that's nigh impossible to have when you're involved in the situation.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Skye1013 » Thu Jan 30, 2014 10:03 pm

Just read the article and oddly enough it mimics what I was already considering (step 2.)

Not going to lie, it feels so strange going through this for the first time when I'm 29.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Fri Jan 31, 2014 12:38 am

Glad it helped, and good luck with your situation. I hope everything works out for you.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Sabindeus » Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:43 pm

Skye1013 wrote:Not going to lie, it feels so strange going through this for the first time when I'm 29.


No point in worrying about that dude
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Re: Relationships

Postby Skye1013 » Mon Feb 03, 2014 9:59 am

Sabindeus wrote:
Skye1013 wrote:Not going to lie, it feels so strange going through this for the first time when I'm 29.


No point in worrying about that dude

Not so much worried... just strange. Figured it would have happened earlier... but then, I couldn't have necessarily accounted for liking guys instead of girls. :lol:
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Re: Relationships

Postby Io.Draco » Mon Feb 03, 2014 3:14 pm

Well trying to account for things in life is an experiment that's doomed to fail :P

Anyway relationship wise...well I find myself needing a bit of advice. I have a cross cousin with whom I grew up with ( basically she's a cousin of one of my cousins, no blood relation ), she's just a year older them me. Still went to same school, vacationed together etc.

Wasn't particular close to her during that time, since well age difference ( even if it's 1 year there is a difference ) and well different interests in that I was very much a video game nerd while she was a party girl. Anyway lost contact several years ago due to a case of family drama ( argument would be an understatement ).

Recently got in contact again with her family and thus by extension her, and well people change as they grow, and we've both changed quite a bit and now we get along quite well. We're both single after failed long distance relationships and have quite a bit in common and she's quite pretty, so I figure: Why the fuck not try pursuing it.

Of course I really don't want to fuck this up for obvious reasons. So how does one ago about this kind of thing?
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Re: Relationships

Postby Sabindeus » Tue Feb 04, 2014 10:57 pm

Skye1013 wrote:
Sabindeus wrote:
Skye1013 wrote:Not going to lie, it feels so strange going through this for the first time when I'm 29.


No point in worrying about that dude

Not so much worried... just strange. Figured it would have happened earlier... but then, I couldn't have necessarily accounted for liking guys instead of girls. :lol:

I like girls and it still hasn't happened for me! so you know, no big deal imo
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Re: Relationships

Postby lythac » Wed Feb 05, 2014 3:15 am

Io.Draco wrote:and we've both changed quite a bit and now we get along quite well.


Have the two of you spent any time together alone so far or has there always been family about?
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Re: Relationships

Postby Io.Draco » Wed Feb 05, 2014 4:10 pm

lythac wrote:
Io.Draco wrote:and we've both changed quite a bit and now we get along quite well.


Have the two of you spent any time together alone so far or has there always been family about?


Some, but mostly with family.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Sun Feb 16, 2014 11:05 pm

Oh, for the love of fuck.

I have a habit of "adopting strays" in that I pick up homeless people and give them a place to stay in exchange for keeping my dog walked and my apartment clean, and I help them get jobs and get back on their feet. I never charge them any rent, and I buy/cook all of the food. Normally people are pretty appreciative of this and respect the help that I'm giving them.

However, about a week and a half ago, I picked up a stray who turned out to be a complete horror show. She insulted me - fine. She insulted my cooking - fine. She didn't take care of my dog (she would walk her, but never give her time to poop) - totally NOT fine. So tonight, I asked her to leave. She had already made plans to leave tomorrow through a charity in town that buys one-way bus tickets for people who are stuck. I'd gotten her a job at a taxi company where I knew the owners, and she lasted exactly one night before getting fired for being rude to the drivers and the customers as well as getting a bunch of calls wrong. She refused to leave, and cops were called.

I keep a pistol beside my bed in a pistol safe, and an unsecured shotgun in the coat closet downstairs by the door; both are in "condition 3" (loaded with no chambered round). I also have a gun safe in my bedroom closet with my other weapons in them - I shoot 3 gun for fun when I have the time - and because of that shotgun downstairs, the police (after listening to this chick spin a story from whole cloth that was woven with threads of pure, unadulterated, grade A bullshit) threatened to arrest me for felony disorderly conduct. Instead, I had to sit there on my couch while three police officers gave me a full blown lecture on how I was making all veterans everywhere look bad, and all service members everywhere look bad, and so on and so forth. It wasn't pleasant, but at least she had already gotten a lecture from the cops outside while they were talking to her earlier so it was fair.

Consider me non-plussed. Try to do people a decent turn and most people will repay it in the spirit in which it was meant. But this is the first unredeemable bad apple I've ever had in the 5 years I've been adopting strays.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Arnock » Mon Feb 17, 2014 12:24 am

Wait, what did she tell them?
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Re: Relationships

Postby KysenMurrin » Mon Feb 17, 2014 1:28 am

You bring complete strangers into your home where you keep a loaded, unsecured firearm?
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Mon Feb 17, 2014 3:55 am

Not until I trust them a bit. Until then, everything is locked in the gun safe or the pistol safe.

I'm not entirely sure what she told them except for the bit about the shotgun. Before they took her outside, she was babbling something about how I was standing on the stairs holding it and told her "you'd better get your shit packed right the fuck now" or something like that. They asked me if I'd physically tried to restrain her from leaving, so I assume there was something she said that made them have to ask that.

Another thing they said, during the whole dressing-down: apparently if you invite a friend over for the night and they bring pizza, they've contributed to the household and if you want them gone you have to evict them. Dafuq? Seriously? So I officially live everywhere I've ever visited and brought food, apparently. I'm still pretty pissed off about this whole situation.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fridmarr » Mon Feb 17, 2014 9:50 am

Yeah, property rights can be pretty messed up. I remember a case in detroit where a women had to live with a squatter:
http://www.myfoxdetroit.com/story/19779 ... woman-says
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Re: Relationships

Postby Amirya » Mon Feb 17, 2014 10:27 am

So the moral of the story is, quit being nice to people, and trust no one.

People are dicks, after all.

(Seriously, you have my sympathies.)
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Mon Feb 17, 2014 11:23 am

I just don't understand how a person can be that rude, inconsiderate, disrespectful, and just plain ungrateful when someone picks them up off the street and tries to get them back on their feet.

The reason why I do this is because a couple of decades ago, when I was younger (dumber is arguable), I decided on the spur of the moment to quit my job and move up to Washington via greyhound. I ended up on the streets in Olympia, and it took me a month or two to bootstrap myself up to a leaky 12 foot travel trailer with the equivalent plumbing of a chamberpot. I wish that I had found someone then like the person I am today; and my philosophy is that if you never pay it forward then how can you ever expect to get it back?

So I do what I can when I can, whether that's tithe to the church, donate food to food drives, give food to people begging on the side of the road (never cash though), and when I have the space available - which I usually do - adopt a stray. All things considered, I've adopted over 20 homeless and gotten them back up on their feet over the past 5 years, so I should be surprised that this is the first one that's turned rotten on me.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Amirya » Mon Feb 17, 2014 11:54 am

I'm more concerned about when she dives back down before, will she show up at your doorstep expecting (demanding?) you to help her again.
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