Relationships

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Re: Relationships

Postby Aubade » Wed Nov 27, 2013 10:46 pm

I second Arnock. We are a family here at maintankadin, And any of us would be glad to talk with you. And I can speak from experience that those hot lines can help. If you want to talk you can Skype me anytime. Just PM me for the name =] I hope you start feeling better man we're all here for you
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Re: Relationships

Postby Aergis » Wed Nov 27, 2013 11:07 pm

ditto to arnock and aubade, it helps to talk about it rather than keep it bottled up. Stay away from the BF and her though, until you get your own emotions settled a bit or more hell could break loose and all come back on you. The only result of all of that will be worse for you, not better until you are under control.

The best advice I can give is that life doesn't really start until 25 or later. My first ever serious relationship wasn't until I was 25, and that was a total mistake, moved in together, had totally different life goals, got my heart broken, lost all my belongings... After that I completely gave up on girls and just focused on my craft (art school). I didn't find the love of my life until I was 27 and that was completely by accident... I was living on microwave burritos and barely working enough to survive when the most amazing person I've ever met fell into my lap. We were engaged 3 months later.

I'm 35 now and still feel like I'm just getting things started. My youngest child barely started kindergarten and there are so many things to look forward to. There are hiccups along the way, but there are so many more beautiful moments still to come. Don't give up on them when they haven't even started yet.
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Re: Relationships

Postby bldavis » Wed Nov 27, 2013 11:45 pm

Ive been there too..and members of this board have helped me as well, all i had to do is ask for help and someone to talk to

one place that has also helped me if you dont wnat to talk to someone that you kinda know (as in a MTadin) there is also http://blahtherapy.com/
completely anonymous, and there to help

all i can say is parroting what has been said, stay away from them, get your head straight and possibly take a break at least from the situation
play a different game, a different toon, or hell read a good book if you enjoy that

life will get better, no matter how hard it is to imagine it right now.
i say go with your life, and know that when the time is right, love will happen
i know it hurts..it hurts a lot..when this happens, but try to put it out of your mind

if you ever need to just chat, im here with aubade and aegis, just PM me your skype name and/or hit me up on FB (im the jackass in the MTadin group :D)

i do have to agree with aegis in that life doesnt begin til you are 25...but then again i was married from 20 to 24 1/2 so... :lol:
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Thu Nov 28, 2013 1:49 am

Nordix wrote:I'm writing this because I am depressed to hell.
Please don't send me to a psychiatrist or similar if possible.


Go see a professional. Seriously, that's my advice to you. Well meaning advice from multiple untrained people that may or may not conflict with each other often does more harm than good. If you're having suicidal ideations, then go to an emergency room - we have procedures in place to get you the help that you need.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Nordix » Thu Nov 28, 2013 7:55 am

I don't want the solution to be to sweep it under the rag or put my head in a hole - diverting my attention from love and girls and such won't make me happy at all,it will make everything dry and empty again.This is what professionals would tell me too I think,why did I fall for a girl already in a relationship,why don't I lower my standards,why don't I immerse myself in something else if this clearly doesn't work with me ,why don't I take these antidepressant pills to force some happiness and cheer.

I want a proper cure , but it seems so out of reach for me,whatever I try to advance towards this goal gets sabotaged.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Amirya » Thu Nov 28, 2013 9:13 am

Nordix wrote:I don't want the solution to be to sweep it under the rag or put my head in a hole...I want a proper cure

This is the most relevant part. You do want help, but you don't.

I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm going to second Fivelives. Professional assistance will do you better in the long run; and the professional solution to mental health is never to ignore it.

Your friends, family, drinking buddies, etc are far more likely to be the ones to say, "dude, get over it already. Just forget her." Your doctor would be the one to ask, "so, why can you not just forget her?"
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Re: Relationships

Postby PsiVen » Thu Nov 28, 2013 10:07 am

I have to agree, the proper cure lies with the professionals. They can delve deep into things and you can/should share a lot more personal information and be able to convey yourself better in person with them.

Until you do that, my advice would be to focus on something completely different. Take up a hobby that you've considered but never tried, or maybe haven't had time to explore fully. Don't try to play WoW in a hostile environment; leave your contact information available for your friends, and don't engage with the harmful ones.

You are too young to have run out of chances at love, believe me. There are 7 billion people out there and they can't all be twats.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Aubade » Fri Nov 29, 2013 4:32 pm

So reading through that post again I can't help but think that this woman you were talking about is just not a good girl to date. She has a boyfriend IRL but let's people flirt with her like the Greek dude and the rich dude? What's to say if you two did end up having a relationship that she would have stopped doing that? If you have logs etc that would ruin her relationship with her BF why would you want to change places with him?


I know when you're not in a relationship it feels like that's all you want to do, But while relationships can be good they can also be just as bad, and this woman sounds like a bad situation to be dating.

My advice is going to be exactly what you don't want to hear, Sweep her under the rug, forget about her! Work on yourself and build confidence so that you can find yourself a woman that is 100 times the woman she was to you and that will treat you right.


Remember that you don't need to meet and date 500 more women to find one. You just need to meet the one woman that falls in love with you and you with her.


I wish you the best man, and even after saying all that I will say this. There is a reason why professionals are professionals. They know what they're doing and they know how to solve your problems
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Sat Nov 30, 2013 7:12 am

Nordix wrote:I don't want the solution to be to sweep it under the rag or put my head in a hole - diverting my attention from love and girls and such won't make me happy at all,it will make everything dry and empty again.This is what professionals would tell me too I think,why did I fall for a girl already in a relationship,why don't I lower my standards,why don't I immerse myself in something else if this clearly doesn't work with me ,why don't I take these antidepressant pills to force some happiness and cheer.

I want a proper cure , but it seems so out of reach for me,whatever I try to advance towards this goal gets sabotaged.


That's not what a professional is going to tell you, at all, ever. Professional therapists are in the business of helping you confront and overcome your issues, not ignore them in the hopes they go away (they won't).

Let's take this point by point (with the caveat that I know absolutely nothing about you or your specific situation):
1) "Why did I fall for a girl already in a relationship?"
Most common reason is simple human nature. Someone already IN a relationship is obviously valuable - moreso than those who aren't in relationships. Second most common reason is self-destructive urges; it's fairly common knowledge that if a person cheats on their significant other with you, then they're going to cheat on you with someone else. This is a truism. So you see someone in a relationship and know it'll hurt you in the end - that's when your self-destructive urge takes over and you use the inevitable result to explain why you're hurting over anything at all, not just dating.

2) "Why don't I lower my standards?"
Because you shouldn't have to lower your standards. This feeling stems from a fear of being alone or a desire to be loved by someone. It shows that you lack a healthy support system, so you are willing to go out and pick Miss Right Now who may alleviate that loneliness, but you'll eventually become dissatisfied when you get used to not being alone again. Then things end, usually badly, and it is used to justify a self-hate spiral.

3) "Why don't I immerse myself in something else if this clearly doesn't work with me?"
No problem has ever been solved by ignoring it. You have to get to the root of your issues and treat those. Often just knowing WHAT causes an issue in your headspace is half the cure right there, because once the root cause is identified the treatment is easy. It's figuring out what caused the issue that's hard.

4) "Why don't I take these antidepressant pills to force some happiness and cheer?"
Clinical depression is often caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Antidepressants don't "force you to be happy", they promote normal chemical levels. So let's turn this question around: why are you forcing yourself to be UNhappy when there's (probably) a simple solution that will normalize things out and allow you to be normally happy/sad/neutral/etc?

This is the kind of thing a therapist is going to tell you. It's all dependent on your willingness to open up and establish a solid relationship with them and trust them enough to give them the information they need so they can help you. That's not something you're going to be able to do on an internet message board, I'm afraid. Sure, people can answer the issues you have at the moment, but those issues are going to recur. It's like treating cancer with antiemetics and painkillers that fix the symptoms. The cancer is still there, even if you might feel better because you're not nauseous or in pain anymore.

TL;DR: Absolutely no professional therapist worth their license will ever tell you to ignore a problem.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Barathorn » Mon Dec 02, 2013 9:24 am

Nordix,

we don't know each other, we haven't ever spoken I don't think, but the fact you post here pretty much makes you extended family. I have spoken to and chatted with and tried to help a lot of people on these boards with advice re relationships and most of it has helped people and allowed them to move forward and that is what it is all about, moving forward, it may be slow at first but you will get there.

I would take Fivelives advice on this one, get some professional help. There isn't any shame in it at all, its completely ok to do so. I have often had the odd session when things have gone tits up.

It is completely ok and it will definately help.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Nordix » Mon Dec 02, 2013 1:42 pm

I've done a couple of things in the past days to ease my situation.
I re-read all our logs and analyzed why it was working and how it went bad.
I made some mistakes too and now I can conciously admit that I was insecure towards the end.<--- This has to be fixed asap if I am to have any serious and true relationship.[It isnt easy when one is 23 hugless ,ugly,virgin and generally inexperienced].Consequently ,I was alone almost my entire life.From the age of 14,I had 0 irl friends,I live in a small and retarded village,and my only ticket out of here is university next year,but even then there is a vast amount of catching up to do on social stuff,especially relationships.I was alone for the past 9 years.


Now, I had to set two things right,the mistake I made by "abusing" her trust on the Gdude to simply make him stop the unbearable whining he was doing to me/her and my insecurity.The latter one can be incredibly destructive in my opinion.So I wrote her a mature and longer apology for those two things on friday.If everything clicked,she saw it yesterday ,tho she chose not to react at all - but it let some things off my chest and I felt better after it.Even if she autodeleted. [This is given that she has gotten it.]

The weekend was still full on a lot of issues.Sleeping 3 hours a day,chestpain,stomach pain,nausea,constant bad mood,indifference towards life coupled with me still having feelings for her.She is very hard to forget for a couple of reasons.

I've only started getting better today towards the evening as I'm writing this.Only my subconcious is rebeling atm.



With all those that being said,I have a hard time falling in love,so if I went thru 500 girls it would still have a decent chance of not finding anyone.It is indeed about finding the right one,key part is FINDING.

Hate the solution to be to forget her,it feels like I'm the one being forgotten and buried.This isn't a solution in my opinion.

Cheating thing: I was well aware of this,but there were some things to counterbalance it.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Aubade » Mon Dec 02, 2013 2:30 pm

I think you'll find when you move to Uni that your social situations will change pretty much completely. You can't avoid them in university, and it doesn't look like you'd want to avoid them anyways. I'm slightly confused by your sheep analogy however. do you mean that you're the sheep being put outside the herd? Because in that case you're only to blame yourself for that thought. The truth is it's up to you to put yourself back in that herd, or even better find a new damn herd because that one sucks for kicking you out.

Unless you mean that she's the sheep being out of the herd. In which case, screw her. You have to realize that she probably didn't even like you from the start. The whole reason those types of women (from my experience) do the whole "flirt with 2-3 guys in WoW at the same time" Is strictly for the attention. These are the women that are NOT worth your time. I'm not saying by any means that this is every woman because it's obviously not, but from what we've heard of this girl, she is one of them.

Forget about her, forget about the drama.

Work on yourself for the next little while and focus on changing the aspects of you that you WANT to change. You want to start more relationships, work on that. You want to get some better IRL friends, work on that! Work on how you act/react in social situations. Many of these things may sound pretty daunting starting from a position where you don't think you possess any of these skills, but that is where we can come in and help. Even more importantly these are the things that professionals can and will teach you how to understand.

I really hope the best for you, I can understand the hopelessness and the frustration, but I'm telling you right now, IT GETS BETTER. You've just gotta work for it, and not be afraid to seek help from those who can provide it.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Nordix » Mon Dec 02, 2013 6:39 pm

She's done an awful lot of work for it to be a total hoax.

The only lingering thought I have at the moment,is how much did she overreact/was this just a way to quickly close it because she regret the whole thing and wanted a way out.

we had something truly great going on,but it ended very fast.

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Re: Relationships

Postby Barathorn » Tue Dec 03, 2013 1:50 am

Nordix, my experiances with similar situations would lead me to believe that all this happened because she wasn't getting attention from her IRL BF. Then he probably realised something was going on and gave her an ultimatum and she immediately had to sever all contact with everyone.

That probally isn't what she told you happened, but pound to a pinch of shit that is how it panned out IRL. I have seen it many times. Girl gets bored, guys get interested because of introversion, girl flirts to get attention, things happen, IRL BF realises and goes apeshit, girl isnt strong enough to break free and cuts all ties.

Forget her, I know its going to be hard but staying in touch will only lead to more pain. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders for someone inexperianced, you are going to be fine. Close that chapter of your life, learn from it and start a new one.

It is going to be ok.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Nordix » Tue Dec 03, 2013 11:25 am

It could be ,Barathorn,but it isn't 1 thing only.Her BF did notice it once,thats when she asked me to cut loving,in october.
There were other factors too.

This would be so much easier to deal with however, if I wasn't living in this wretched small village.I could go out with my friends ,because going out solves this,but I have no irl friends and there isnt any place to go out either.I can sit here and thats it or do my job when there is work to be done.This is what makes dealing with it insanely hard.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Aubade » Tue Dec 03, 2013 12:00 pm

Nordix wrote:It could be ,Barathorn,but it isn't 1 thing only.Her BF did notice it once,thats when she asked me to cut loving,in october.
There were other factors too.

This would be so much easier to deal with however, if I wasn't living in this wretched small village.I could go out with my friends ,because going out solves this,but I have no irl friends and there isnt any place to go out either.I can sit here and thats it or do my job when there is work to be done.This is what makes dealing with it insanely hard.



go for a walk, take a break from WoW, play some different games!
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Re: Relationships

Postby Nordix » Tue Dec 03, 2013 12:26 pm

the point of it would be not being alone irl,not to put my head in dirt thinking the issue went away.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Aubade » Tue Dec 03, 2013 12:34 pm

Nordix wrote:the point of it would be not being alone irl,not to put my head in dirt thinking the issue went away.



This line of thinking is wrong. There is a difference between moving on, and putting your head in the sand. We are not telling you to put your head in the dirt. We're telling you to wash your hands of her and move on.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Amirya » Tue Dec 03, 2013 12:34 pm

Now I'm terribly confused.

No one, near as I can tell, is saying to think it'll go away. Sure, some are saying to forget about her, but there's also quite a few who are recommending a therapist to at least help you adjust to the transition. In fact, it seems to me that you're confusing "take a break and find other interests outside of WoW" with "MAKE ALL THE THINGS GO AWAY!"

Which leads me to wonder why you'd want to continue to put yourself in a position where you are exposed to this highly toxic female and the highly toxic environment.

But that aside, find other interests, and speak with a therapist. Even once.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Darielle » Thu Dec 05, 2013 8:44 pm

Until you do that, my advice would be to focus on something completely different. Take up a hobby that you've considered but never tried, or maybe haven't had time to explore fully. Don't try to play WoW in a hostile environment; leave your contact information available for your friends, and don't engage with the harmful ones.

You are too young to have run out of chances at love, believe me. There are 7 billion people out there and they can't all be twats.


This is key. You can be nice to your guild and actually mention that you're looking to take a break etc., giving them a week or two to recruit someone, IF you can handle that, and if not it's fine to put yourself first. But at the end of the day, nothing good will come from playing WoW in a hostile environment. Nothing good will come from interacting with her or her BF until you're convinced that you are in a good place. There is no harm with speaking to a professional and getting their insight; there is harm in assuming what a professional would tell you and disregaring the option. At the very least, they can give you some help when it comes to self-esteem and insecurity.

Don't stress about the idea that you're some hugless ugly virgin - you're most likely a normal person who looks just fine and is a decent person to hang around. Society puts ridiculous ideas about sex, looks, all that crap, but ultimately most people are normal people. Enjoy Uni where you'll meet people, share interests, frustrations, drama, party and all that good stuff. I can guarantee that you will meet people at Uni (and beyond - libraries, bus, parks, concerts, sports, execising, any activity really) who will be fun to hang out with, enjoy hanging out with you and free of the drama that this girl seems to be surrounded by. And if you really want, there'll also be people like her who're actually available and within shagging distance to have some fun (and there's nothing wrong with that)

Moving on from her isn't to sweep things under the rug. Moving on from her can simply be an acknowledgement that there are better people out there, and there might be things you want to do that aren't WoW, and you'd like the chance to do them. I think the key for you is going to be to get help from someone who is a professional and not one of us on the internet, because they're better trained and better equipped to ask you the right questions to figure out things about yourself.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Aubade » Fri Dec 06, 2013 10:51 am

I'm not sure how many of you guys are familiar with boogie on youtube. But ever since he did his "draw my life" Talking about his life experiences, I think he's a great example of how life can get better as a "hugless huge virgin"
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Re: Relationships

Postby Sabindeus » Fri Dec 06, 2013 12:08 pm

Aubade wrote:I'm not sure how many of you guys are familiar with boogie on youtube. But ever since he did his "draw my life" Talking about his life experiences, I think he's a great example of how life can get better as a "hugless huge virgin"


I've watched that. All the feels.

Of course when you have yet to solve those problems for yourself it rings slightly hollow. As someone who fits that profile I certainly do find myself feeling all sorts of negative things all the time, especially when faced with the success of others, even those who went through tough times like Francis the youtube celebrity.

But I am also fully cognizant of the fact that its no one else's fault that my life is the way it is and it's entirely up to me to improve it one way or another. No one else can do that for me.

I avoided posting during this chapter of the Relationships thread because I didn't feel I had anything to add, nor any advice that would help. But that comment I felt I had to respond to.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Fri Dec 13, 2013 9:43 am

Right. So, I could use some advice.

I've been best friends with a woman for the last 16 years. We're basically brother and sister. Lately, her boyfriend (of 4 years, now) has been getting RIDICULOUSLY jealous - to the extent that, when the three of us went to see the Hobbit last night, he confronted her - during the movie - about her tendency to grab on to people on both sides of her when she's shocked during a movie. It went something like "would you stop touching him already?" - which upset her greatly, and pissed me right off.

I need to have a talk with this boy, but there's a problem. He's a complete manchild. He's 36 years old, lives with his parents, works a part time retail cashier job (that he's worked for the last 5 years or so without a promotion or more than the raise that comes whenever they up the minimum wage), and spends all of his paycheck on Magic: the Gathering cards and traveling to tournaments in Vegas. He's got a whole host of reasons why I hate him, including but not limited to, making my best friend absolutely miserable. However, my best friend loves surrounding herself with broken people and is convinced that she loves the manchild.

She's okay with me having a talk with him about his jealousy and insecurity, but I need to do so in a way that doesn't torpedo her relationship with him, otherwise it'll lose me my oldest, dearest friend in the process. In this case, for lack of a better term, I'm the "nuclear option". So how would you guys suggest that I go about having The Talk with Stoneskull McManchild without completely destroying my relationship with my best friend?
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Re: Relationships

Postby Nooska » Fri Dec 13, 2013 11:00 am

First, I would suggest you have a good long think on why he might be jealous (so you can possibly mitigate those fears).

The most obvious to me (combining what you've described with what I've garnered and assumed from tyour other posts), is that you are a "dominant" male (not that you try to dominate, but that you exude all the dominant traits, like confidence etc).
Add to that that he probably doesn't feel like he is a great success (living at home at age 36 (and not being italian*), while being the stereotypical 'nerd', in this case in regards to MtG).

I think you also need to take a good thin on why your best friend has chosen to be with him, starting by setting aside your prejudgement - think him up in other words.
Thats the only way (that I see) that you can salvage this in regards to your friend staying your friend. The other option (apart from talking him down from worries and focusing on him being a good person for your friend) is to NOT be apart of it, so you are not the one to talk to him - that may or may not feel like an option of course.


*Its a standing joke aorund here that men in italy don't move out till they are in their 40's - not sure how much thruth there is to the joke, so apologiges in advance.
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Niisca, Shady forsaken "priest" on Argent Dawn (EU)

Keeper Emeritus of the BM hunters guide on Elitist Jerks and the wowhead version untill patch 5.3.
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Nooska
 
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Fri Dec 13, 2013 5:24 pm

I am a very dominant person, yeah, but it's not just me that he's reacting to this way. I wasn't saying there's anything bad about MtG (or nerdery in general), but rather being 36 and spending all your income on games while being supported by someone else - that's the "bad" thing there.

My friend collects broken people. That's her schtick - she absolutely needs to feel "needed" by others. That's probably a large part of why she's with this guy. But she asked me to have a "hey bro, listen" heart to heart with him, and he went from being one of my not-particularly-favorite people to my least favorite person when he picked a fight with her in a movie theater all because she grabbed my arm during the movie. That pissed me off on multiple levels.
- I'm not Jesus, but I can turn water into Kool-Aid.
- A Sergeant in motion outranks an officer who doesn't know what the hell is going on.
- A demolitions specialist at a flat run outranks everybody.
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Fivelives
 
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