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Re: Relationships

Postby katraya » Fri Apr 18, 2014 11:53 am

Shoju wrote:Should I move on? Should I put the feelings of hurt, and anger, and whatever else you want to call it aside? I'm thinking that I might just make other plans for the evening. Because I know the evening will end in drinks, and if I drink, I'm going to not watch what I say, and I'm probably going to say some very terrible, hurtful, things. And that's not going to do anything but piss off my wife.



Honestly, I'd be hurt my spouse was still friends with someone who was so toxic for our marriage. I don't think you are wrong for not wanting this person in your home and certainly not overnight.

If you want a compromise, I think this person can visit. See the house, briefly, while you are not there. Then she can stay at a hotel. Your wife can go out and see her.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Shoju » Fri Apr 18, 2014 3:42 pm

She doesn't make the same connection to the events that I do. She sees it as her fault, and her friend was just being a friend.

I, see it as someone who not only didn't say "you shouldn't do this" but actively engaged in the "doing this".

I think the connection is pretty deep. They met at a camp for T1 diabetics when they were preteens / maybe young teens. Not that it excuses what happened but I try and understand that they share a bond.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Tue Apr 22, 2014 7:07 pm

Vacation was awesome. At least, it was awesome after the cherry blossom festival - who'd have thought that for a seasonal allergy sufferer, going to a place with thirteen thousand cherry trees in full bloom would be a bad idea?

Anyway, after that I spent some time fishing with my friends and visiting the tourist destinations I somehow never made it to. Himeji castle is amazing, if you ever find yourself in Japan, you should go. Also, running a small independently operated fishing boat is a viable occupation - we caught a 400lb grade 1 tuna and it sold at market for 185,000 yen (rough conversion, about $1850US, or more than I make in two weeks after taxes). Which sort of segues in nicely to my question for y'all:

I got offered a share in my friends' fishing boat until I can afford my own, and their permission to fish in "their" water after I can afford my own boat. No joking, people get downright serious about it, even going so far as to sabotage equipment and sometimes even "disappear" other people who refuse to move after being told they're in someone else's water.

This would require me moving to Japan, which I'm not entirely unwilling to do. It's a beautiful country full of history and culture. It's also hands down bar none THE MOST xenophobic country in the world, so immigrants face a lot of hassles. It's the very definition of a place that's "nice to visit, but you don't want to live there". On the other hand, I can make a damned good living there doing something else that I love. Because while I definitely love medicine and love my job (even if the patients make it a pain in the ass at least 90% of the time), I also love the ocean and being out on the water.

So I'm pretty well torn. My contract with this hospital is up at the end of next month, and I have enough left in savings to live on while I start the emigration process, but the pros and cons weigh out equally for me. If you were me, what would you guys do?
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Re: Relationships

Postby Amirya » Wed Apr 23, 2014 1:50 am

What do you want to do? In the end, that's all that really matters.

However, if you have enough funds, you may consider trying it out for a few months with your friends' boat (and permission), before making such a huge move and investment. You may find you absolutely love it, and yes you want to do it, and damnit, you WILL do it.

Or, you may find that you hate it absolutely, and don't want to stay.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Wed Apr 23, 2014 3:33 am

I can't make up my own damn mind, that's why I'm asking for input and opinions! Oi! The pros and cons on each side weigh out just about equally.

Edit to add: I can't afford to live in Japan for any length of time on my savings - especially not the amount of time it would take to get approved as a resident alien. Work visas are a bit quicker, but not for private enterprise like I'd be working for (bigger companies and government programs like JET get their applications processed damn near same day, at least within a month. Small mom & pop shops get shuffled around until the applicant usually gives up). I don't want to stress my friends out by couchsurfing at their place until my papers go through and I can finally work. As a frame of reference, 250,000 yen/month is roughly subsistence level income ($2500US/month, give or take).
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Re: Relationships

Postby Arnock » Wed Apr 23, 2014 6:49 pm

...Is commercial fishing something you want to do that badly?

It's a hard life, and there's certainly potential for good money (VERY good money) but it's not exactly something that's easy to break into if you don't have a lot of experience, especially when it's coupled while trying to juggle citizenship hassles and moving to the opposite side of the planet.

Could you do some sort of EMT kind of work over there until the visa/residency shenanigans get resolved?
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Thu Apr 24, 2014 1:19 am

It's line fishing vs net or trap fishing. It'd be closer to a charter fishing boat than a commercial boat. But that's a good point - it's not exactly a stable income at all. There are good days and bad weeks, and I wouldn't have the savings anymore to be able to support myself through a dry spell, at least for a while anyway.

And no, I won't be able to work in emergency services or medicine there. The differences between eastern and western medicine are just too much. Plus, I'd never be hireable as a foreigner. I'm conversationally fluent, and read about 600-700 of the most used kanji (so essentially, I read japanese at about a 5th-6th grade level), so I could get part time work in construction, convenience stores, bars, etc. But as far as anything that pays anywhere near a living wage I'd be out of luck unless I could finagle my way into a teaching job with one of the major language schools.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Arnock » Thu Apr 24, 2014 9:14 am

Long-lining? Or fishing with a rod and reel?
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Thu Apr 24, 2014 1:51 pm

Rod and reel.

It just occurred to me as I was trying to go through the financial thing that I won't be able to afford this, which is sad.

I need at least 250k JPY every month in order to survive. I'd only have a 1/3rd share in anything I catch using their boat (equal shares for the 3 of us is still an amazing offer though and I'm grateful for it). That means I'd have to catch 750k JPY worth of fish every month just to survive. With the "foreigner tax*" that means I'd have to catch anywhere from 1mil-1.5mil JPY just to pay my bills - without putting anything away for savings or towards buying my own boat.

That's ... a lot of fish.

Well, it was a fun dream while it lasted. And now that I know it's not a realistic option, I really fucking want to do it.

*"foreigner tax" - I wouldn't be able to sell my fish for anything near what my friends sell theirs for. I'm not Japanese, so I'd be lucky to get 3/4 of what Eri would get for the same exact fish. And realistically speaking, I'd get closer to about half of what he would get, selling it at the market.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Brekkie » Fri Apr 25, 2014 10:08 pm

Today I found out that I've been accepted into Columbia University in NYC for the fall! I'm going to study physics in the Ivy League! Holy cow!
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fridmarr » Sat Apr 26, 2014 5:17 am

Congrats Brekkie!
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Re: Relationships

Postby Sabindeus » Sun Apr 27, 2014 6:11 pm

Brekkie wrote:Today I found out that I've been accepted into Columbia University in NYC for the fall! I'm going to study physics in the Ivy League! Holy cow!

Hooray, welcome to Harlem!
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Re: Relationships

Postby Arnock » Sun Apr 27, 2014 7:52 pm

Brekkie wrote:Today I found out that I've been accepted into Columbia University in NYC for the fall! I'm going to study physics in the Ivy League! Holy cow!



Congrats!

Wish I could afford school in NYC...
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Re: Relationships

Postby Brekkie » Sun Apr 27, 2014 10:13 pm

Arnock wrote:
Brekkie wrote:Today I found out that I've been accepted into Columbia University in NYC for the fall! I'm going to study physics in the Ivy League! Holy cow!



Congrats!

Wish I could afford school in NYC...


Uncle Sam is paying my whole tuition, plus giving me $4000/month for housing/living expenses while I'm in school. Woo GI Bill!

Sabindeus wrote:Hooray, welcome to Harlem!


What's the best soul food restaurant?
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Re: Relationships

Postby Sabindeus » Sun Apr 27, 2014 10:37 pm

Brekkie wrote:
Sabindeus wrote:Hooray, welcome to Harlem!


What's the best soul food restaurant?

Head to DInosaur BBQ on 125th street
https://www.dinosaurbarbque.com/locations/harlem/
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Re: Relationships

Postby theckhd » Mon Apr 28, 2014 6:02 am

Congratulations Brekkie.

I think the Dinosaur BBQ in Rochester is one of the things I miss the most about that city. So I'll second Sabin's recommendation.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Sagara » Thu May 08, 2014 3:59 am

Is it some kind of coincidence that today, on the 10th anniversary of my wedding, I'm having the weirdest (and possible biggest) satori about my relationship?

First things first - a bit of background. We've been together for 13 years-ish now, and we've been struggling with sex for a good 11 of those. I've had a couple of outbursts on this very topic, and to be utterly honest, since our kid is born last year, we're almost back to square 1 - she needed a C-section, then felt some pains when she had a coil placed, and has wanted to avoid sex until she and her doc are sure everything's fine. It's not disastrous, but I'm feeling the drive starting to kick in.

Anyway, I was doing a TV tropes binge yesterday that dropped me on their Asexuality page (no link, I don't want to destroy your productivity today :-p). I've been reading a bit on the subject, and I've finally crossed the mental threshold where I can say that yes, I think my wife is asexual (although still very romantic).

The weird thing is that I feel very elated about that, in a way, because I've instantaneously found hundreds of people like me and her, PLUS I'm starting to "get" the difference between asexual and aromantic, and dissociating her lack of desire from trouble in our romantic relationship, PLUS it soothes my own bruised male ego by explaining that no, it may have nothing to do with who I am, or what I do. And also, and mainly, it gives context to an accusation she made a couple of times that sex made her feel I looked at her like "a slab of meat", interchangeable with any other - having a lot to do with completely different views on sexuality that go above and beyond classic "men and women differences" stuff.

Now that does leave me with a crapload of open issues, like taking care of my own drive in a good way, but this feels like a much better solution that the one from two years ago, which in retrospect, feel a lot more like me forcing her to change herself to suit my needs (despite all the theatrics I dropped about it back then).
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Thu May 08, 2014 5:07 am

You might want to check out the AVEN people at asexuality.org.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Sagara » Thu May 08, 2014 5:16 am

Fivelives wrote:You might want to check out the AVEN people at asexuality.org.


Take a wild guess where yesterday's research took me, and how many tabs I have actually open on their forums right now :-p
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Thu May 08, 2014 5:19 am

Right there, and lots, respectively?
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Re: Relationships

Postby Sagara » Thu May 08, 2014 5:28 am

Fivelives wrote:Right there, and lots, respectively?


Whelp, at least I've got the night's reading all sorted out!
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Re: Relationships

Postby Io.Draco » Tue May 27, 2014 12:38 pm

I figured I might get better advice here about a girl I met online then from my friends ( who although good guys are primarily interested in banging chicks ) or on dating advice sites where most of the advice is about quick bangs. I personally am interested in a long term serious relationship.

Some time ago I met a chick on OKC ( OkCupid ). Initially went well until we added each other on Skype ( didn't go for the phone because chicks are very reluctant to that with people they don't know on the net ).

She never came online there but I saw her quite often on OKC, eventually I asked if she had lost interested. She said she had lost a loved one and wasn't very social on the net because of that. After that no more messages.

I shrugged it off, figuring she had no more interest ( even if she was honest ) or figuring she had found a more promising prospect since she was still online very often on OKC.

Recently however I did see her online on Skype and we did actually get in a conversation ( I initiated it ). Eventually managed to ask her out on a date and she agreed to it for this Thursday, then she asked for my Facebook and after that silence.

I did reply with my FB and also asked for her number, no answer. Finally with some advice from a friend of mine I just posted my number just in case something comes up.

I dunno if she is just really that hesitant about giving her number ( again women here very hesitant with that online ) or she's just gonna flake on me. She hasn't added me on FB even tough she had asked me for it.

I am uncertain whether or not I should even bother showing up there if she doesn't give me a signal until that day.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Nooska » Tue May 27, 2014 12:49 pm

It could be "security" - to let a friend or relative know, "just in case".

I would suggest giving her the benefit of the doubt, and showing up (if for no other reason than to not wonder yourself, or be the one that flakes).
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Re: Relationships

Postby Io.Draco » Tue May 27, 2014 4:30 pm

I just am rather put off by the silence honestly, in a rather big way.

A friend of mine suggested she might be busy, but I did see her log in on both OKC and Skype. He did give me the same advice as you did though. I guess I'll just go there, no expectations though..."Sigh"

The guys on the dating advice site I frequent advised me to cut her loose.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Tue May 27, 2014 8:08 pm

Show up, give her 30 minutes, then if she hasn't called (she does have your number) consider yourself stood up and cut her off. She probably saw something on your FB that she didn't like.

There's a reason I call OKC OKStupid.
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