Relationships

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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Thu Jan 30, 2014 9:19 am

From the screencap you posted, it looks like you're in Clingy Jealous Girl mode. I really don't know how to go about fixing that, because from the other side of it the only option that appears to people involved (and I've had a few - more than a few, actually - of these types of people in my life) is to break up and sever contact. There's probably a better way to do things than that that I just don't know, but sometimes just having someone let you know what you're doing is the key to fixing the behavior.

This looks relevant (if you ignore the whole gender thing): http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/r ... thdrawing/ . I'm not sure how relevant it actually is to your situation specifically, but it's worth a read at least, I guess?
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Re: Relationships

Postby Skye1013 » Thu Jan 30, 2014 10:51 am

I was wondering if that was the case and I'm not the best judge being in the middle of things, but we don't see each other all that often, so I'm not really sure how it would qualify as clingy. If we saw each other all the time and I was still berating him for never seeing him... I could easily see that assessment as being accurate.

Now, to be fair, we do have the same work schedule, so I see him at work, but we don't hang out at work and even when we chat, it's never anything intimate (as we haven't exactly announced that we're together and it's... work.) I don't know... I guess I'm just mostly upset because we haven't defined our relationship, so I don't know what expectations to have... and I don't want to have that discussion in an impersonal way.

Do I just bite the bullet and talk to him about it on facebook or should I hold out until we can have the face to face?

P.S. I'll check out the link later when I'm not at work.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Nooska » Thu Jan 30, 2014 2:14 pm

A really radical thought (obvious to non-involved people);

"I guess I'm just mostly upset because we haven't defined our relationship, so I don't know what expectations to have"

Tell him (not that you are upset, but that you are uunsure or whatever - upset sounds as if you lay the responsibility/blame on him when you say it directly)

Worst case, he doesn't think you have a relationship and says so (but I doubt that is the case from what you have posted on the subject so faR)
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Thu Jan 30, 2014 6:01 pm

I've never been on your end of this situation, but having been on the receiving end of the "so what the hell are we, anyway" conversation I can tell you that it sucks to be blindsided with it.

Try to vet the things you say so that you don't come across as needy or passive aggressive - that's just going to send him running screaming for the hills. DEFINITELY have the conversation face to face. Realize that you have to live with the outcome of the SWTHAWA conversation - and that it can be something that you don't want - for example: you want a relationship, he just wants a fuckbuddy. End result: no relationship and most likely no more sex, the friendship is probably tanked too.

Plan out a statement - write it down if you have to - and stick to your script. Pretend you're giving a press conference. Make sure he knows that you have something to say and you want to say it before being interrupted, derailed, or driven off on tangents, then give him a chance to respond and the same courtesy that he just gave you (that is, letting him talk while you listen). Realize that unless you're both on exactly the same page, if you do end up in some sort of relationship, things are definitely going to be awkward for quite some time and be prepared for the absolute worst.

And yeah, we're all the worst judges of our own situations. Distance grants perspective, which is something that's nigh impossible to have when you're involved in the situation.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Skye1013 » Thu Jan 30, 2014 10:03 pm

Just read the article and oddly enough it mimics what I was already considering (step 2.)

Not going to lie, it feels so strange going through this for the first time when I'm 29.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Fri Jan 31, 2014 12:38 am

Glad it helped, and good luck with your situation. I hope everything works out for you.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Sabindeus » Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:43 pm

Skye1013 wrote:Not going to lie, it feels so strange going through this for the first time when I'm 29.


No point in worrying about that dude
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Re: Relationships

Postby Skye1013 » Mon Feb 03, 2014 9:59 am

Sabindeus wrote:
Skye1013 wrote:Not going to lie, it feels so strange going through this for the first time when I'm 29.


No point in worrying about that dude

Not so much worried... just strange. Figured it would have happened earlier... but then, I couldn't have necessarily accounted for liking guys instead of girls. :lol:
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Re: Relationships

Postby Io.Draco » Mon Feb 03, 2014 3:14 pm

Well trying to account for things in life is an experiment that's doomed to fail :P

Anyway relationship wise...well I find myself needing a bit of advice. I have a cross cousin with whom I grew up with ( basically she's a cousin of one of my cousins, no blood relation ), she's just a year older them me. Still went to same school, vacationed together etc.

Wasn't particular close to her during that time, since well age difference ( even if it's 1 year there is a difference ) and well different interests in that I was very much a video game nerd while she was a party girl. Anyway lost contact several years ago due to a case of family drama ( argument would be an understatement ).

Recently got in contact again with her family and thus by extension her, and well people change as they grow, and we've both changed quite a bit and now we get along quite well. We're both single after failed long distance relationships and have quite a bit in common and she's quite pretty, so I figure: Why the fuck not try pursuing it.

Of course I really don't want to fuck this up for obvious reasons. So how does one ago about this kind of thing?
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Re: Relationships

Postby Sabindeus » Tue Feb 04, 2014 10:57 pm

Skye1013 wrote:
Sabindeus wrote:
Skye1013 wrote:Not going to lie, it feels so strange going through this for the first time when I'm 29.


No point in worrying about that dude

Not so much worried... just strange. Figured it would have happened earlier... but then, I couldn't have necessarily accounted for liking guys instead of girls. :lol:

I like girls and it still hasn't happened for me! so you know, no big deal imo
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Re: Relationships

Postby lythac » Wed Feb 05, 2014 3:15 am

Io.Draco wrote:and we've both changed quite a bit and now we get along quite well.


Have the two of you spent any time together alone so far or has there always been family about?
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Re: Relationships

Postby Io.Draco » Wed Feb 05, 2014 4:10 pm

lythac wrote:
Io.Draco wrote:and we've both changed quite a bit and now we get along quite well.


Have the two of you spent any time together alone so far or has there always been family about?


Some, but mostly with family.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Fivelives » Sun Feb 16, 2014 11:05 pm

Oh, for the love of fuck.

I have a habit of "adopting strays" in that I pick up homeless people and give them a place to stay in exchange for keeping my dog walked and my apartment clean, and I help them get jobs and get back on their feet. I never charge them any rent, and I buy/cook all of the food. Normally people are pretty appreciative of this and respect the help that I'm giving them.

However, about a week and a half ago, I picked up a stray who turned out to be a complete horror show. She insulted me - fine. She insulted my cooking - fine. She didn't take care of my dog (she would walk her, but never give her time to poop) - totally NOT fine. So tonight, I asked her to leave. She had already made plans to leave tomorrow through a charity in town that buys one-way bus tickets for people who are stuck. I'd gotten her a job at a taxi company where I knew the owners, and she lasted exactly one night before getting fired for being rude to the drivers and the customers as well as getting a bunch of calls wrong. She refused to leave, and cops were called.

I keep a pistol beside my bed in a pistol safe, and an unsecured shotgun in the coat closet downstairs by the door; both are in "condition 3" (loaded with no chambered round). I also have a gun safe in my bedroom closet with my other weapons in them - I shoot 3 gun for fun when I have the time - and because of that shotgun downstairs, the police (after listening to this chick spin a story from whole cloth that was woven with threads of pure, unadulterated, grade A bullshit) threatened to arrest me for felony disorderly conduct. Instead, I had to sit there on my couch while three police officers gave me a full blown lecture on how I was making all veterans everywhere look bad, and all service members everywhere look bad, and so on and so forth. It wasn't pleasant, but at least she had already gotten a lecture from the cops outside while they were talking to her earlier so it was fair.

Consider me non-plussed. Try to do people a decent turn and most people will repay it in the spirit in which it was meant. But this is the first unredeemable bad apple I've ever had in the 5 years I've been adopting strays.
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Re: Relationships

Postby Arnock » Mon Feb 17, 2014 12:24 am

Wait, what did she tell them?
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Re: Relationships

Postby KysenMurrin » Mon Feb 17, 2014 1:28 am

You bring complete strangers into your home where you keep a loaded, unsecured firearm?
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