Relationships

[culhag]

I just learned that my best friend, who's been married for three years, has been questioning his sexuality for some time and attempted suicide two weeks ago.

Of course now that I think of it I realize there were signs, a long time ago, that he might be gay. Thanks, hindsight. Thanks.

I think the chance of the marriage surviving are pretty low, and I have no fucking idea how to handle the whole thing.

[Fridmarr]

Ok, if you guys want to continue this discussion, please make a new thread for it >.< it's not really.. "Relationship" related. And I'm sure many people are tired of reading about it.

Anyhow, back "on topic" for those that have had the chance to see The Avengers, did you catch the The Dark Knight Rises trailer and how does that look?

That wasn't shown at the Cineworld I went to unfortunately so I have no information for you on that Fridmarr, sorry.

We watched the film in 2D as most 3D films are suckage.

That's weird, maybe they are holding that for the worldwide release, seems kind of counter intuitive to the whole marketing goal though.

As for the 2D/3D thing, I think the release so far has been limited, and probably the technical capabilities of the theater plays a role in getting selected. I suspect when the world wide release hits there will be more 2D options. Where I'm at most theaters play it in both formats so that part shouldn't be a problem...it's just a question of getting a baby sitter.

[KysenMurrin]

Yeah I'm suddenly realizing that. I looked up Avengers for this coming weekend last night after going through this discussion... and I think there's only two theaters in all of Toronto that are playing the 2D version. And none of them are in the downtown core where we live. BLAH.

Hmm, and I was thinking of killing an evening when I'm over there by seeing The Avengers; I've not seen a film in 3D yet, not sure if I want to...

[Nikachelle]

Yeah I'm suddenly realizing that. I looked up Avengers for this coming weekend last night after going through this discussion... and I think there's only two theaters in all of Toronto that are playing the 2D version. And none of them are in the downtown core where we live. BLAH.

Hmm, and I was thinking of killing an evening when I'm over there by seeing The Avengers; I've not seen a film in 3D yet, not sure if I want to...

If you do, I recommend going for an UltraAVX theatre. The quality is so much better than normal 3D theatres (and therefore less headache inducing). Look for the Scotiabank Theatre (sometimes referred to as Paramount Theatre).

[Nikachelle]

I just learned that my best friend, who's been married for three years, has been questioning his sexuality for some time and attempted suicide two weeks ago.

Of course now that I think of it I realize there were signs, a long time ago, that he might be gay. Thanks, hindsight. Thanks.

I think the chance of the marriage surviving are pretty low, and I have no fucking idea how to handle the whole thing.

I feel awful for your best friend's wife.

I've had a lot of people in my family go through this situation though. My mother's father decided he was gay about twenty years into their marriage. Same thing with my aunt deciding she was a lesbian after about 15 years of marriage. I always feel dreadful for the person they eventually have to leave behind.

[JoeBravo]

I just learned that my best friend, who's been married for three years, has been questioning his sexuality for some time and attempted suicide two weeks ago.

Of course now that I think of it I realize there were signs, a long time ago, that he might be gay. Thanks, hindsight. Thanks.

I think the chance of the marriage surviving are pretty low, and I have no fucking idea how to handle the whole thing.

I'm trying to think of what made me feel beter during my suïcidal tendency period, but can't exactly tell anymore. But I think keeping him company or just talking about anything is allready a help.

[Treck]

Im happy he didnt succed his suicide attempt however, theres no going back from that.
A distant relative of mine comitted suicide about 2 months back, I only met him once or twice, he was my grandmothers cousins grandson (so pretty distant), Im not sure as to exactly why, but he was partially bullied in school.
I just wish there was a way to prevent it, ending one's life is just such a waste, and really hurts everyone around you, and theres no way of undoing it, its a way to permanent choice to make, especially when you are that young.

Marriage isnt everything.
The problem is that for some reason, people think its wrong beeing gay, driving people to suicide cuz they dont see any other way.
Its much better to end a marriage cuz you dont feel the same way you did when you did get married, id say that happends to pretty much everyone, people change, not always enough for people to end marriage, and sometimes people change to improve on their marriage.
Telling your partner that you are gay should be one of the "best" ways to end a marriage on good terms (given you havnt been in the closet for to long without talking about it)
People drift apart, thats it.
You hear about people ending their marriage in way way worse ways on a daily basis.

About the whole "gay" part aswell, I think its funny that people who say they only care about whats on the inside of others is what matters can even call themselves straight, shouldnt they atleast be Bisexual?

[Gab]

About the whole "gay" part aswell, I think its funny that people who say they only care about whats on the inside of others is what matters can even call themselves straight, shouldnt they atleast be Bisexual?

Just because you are a person "who only cares about whats on the inside of others" doesn't mean you are sexually attracted to those people you care for. I see what you are getting at but sexuality really holds no baring on caring for someone.

EDIT: Also I think the divorce might be quite a bit more difficult. Finding out your partner is gay after years of marriage could be looked at as deception. And that's something that's pretty important to be honest about. I'm not sure when people "find out" they are gay but isn't it usually long before they are at an age to consider marriage?

[culhag]

I feel awful for your best friend's wife.

Yeah, I've known her for a long time too, and she's the one who informed me of the situation. My friend and I have never been good at confiding.

As for the depression, apparently he got better once he started accepting his attraction to guys.

[Treck]

Just because you are a person "who only cares about whats on the inside of others" doesn't mean you are sexually attracted to those people you care for. I see what you are getting at but sexuality really holds no baring on caring for someone.

Im not saying my statement is bulletproof.
But if you truly say "only the inside matters", then im kinda assuming one would (were kinda dealing with absolutes but who cares ) put aside sexuality, as its the "outside", while a relationship would be more of the inside.
I completely agree with you aswell, I dont consider myself Bi at all, but at the same time I consider myself to be someone who prioritize whats on the inside, that said, I think its more of a 1-10scale of things, and I dont really think anyone would fit at number 1 or 10, but everyone is placed in between.
I still think its a funny point to make, especially against anti-gay people.

EDIT: Also I think the divorce might be quite a bit more difficult. Finding out your partner is gay after years of marriage could be looked at as deception. And that's something that's pretty important to be honest about. I'm not sure when people "find out" they are gay but isn't it usually long before they are at an age to consider marriage?

But at the same time, in an honest relationship, even if "going gay" takes a while, I would kinda assume people would actually talk to each other, so that when the big realization comes, its not a total surprise from the partner.
In any case, I see the "falling in love with someone else" scenario to divorce is way worse than discovering one of you are gay.
Marriage is very different for people, even within a marriage the two partners can have very different opinions on where their relationship is at that very moment, some just stay married even when things arnt perfect cuz they are used to it, then when one takes the initiative to stop beeing married, the otherone can feel betrayed, even if there wasnt much holding onto the marriage in the first place.
Being married is obviously a big committeemen, but its not as big as some people believe, these days people are divorcing all the time, so I just assume future generations will think of marriage as more or less just a "phase" people go though, and imo thats a good thing.
Way to many people get stuck in a marriage they dont care about cuz they think a divorce will scar their children (atleast half of my friends parents are divorced, mine included), or make their parents disown them or whatever.

[Nikachelle]

When divorce results in hyphenating a child's last name I can't help but feel bad for the kid.

[Treck]

Its only bad if people tell you its bad that thats the case.
Kids are not born with the understanding of marriage and whats right and wrong with it, if anything they would be imprinted with something along the lines of one day having as much offspring as possible, and preferably with as many partners as possible for better diversity.
So what adults tell kids is extremely important, if they talk about it as if its a bad thing, ofcourse its likely that the kid could get scarred when their parents divorce if they have been told that before, or if people keep telling them how sad it is for him/her cuz their parents divorced whenever you meet them.
When my mother divorced my father, we 3 siblings kept our mothers name, and my father changed back to his old last name pretty fast, he DID ask us if we were OK with it but really, its just a name (none of us could care about it anyway, since common sense and all, that may not be as present with small children I agree), some people who marry eachother doesnt even change their names.
Many people who divorce eachother with small children give their children both last names, and I really dont see how its a "bad" thing for anyone but the parents, the parents may even hate eachother, but every time they pick up their son/daughter from school, they are going to be reminded of his/her last name that they hate cuz of their former partner. The kid will be reminded of his father who lives his life and loves him, and be reminded of his mother who lives her life and loves him. Throw some common sense in there and it will be a big party of none who gives a fuck in the end.
Its a problem if the mother or father wants the child to only be named one cuz they think they have the right to it more than the other, but if thats the case, the kid has bigger problems than their last name.

[Nikachelle]

Its a problem if the mother or father wants the child to only be named one cuz they think they have the right to it more than the other, if thats the case, the child is fucked up as it is for having those kind of parents allready xD (imo)

Yeah this is what I was getting at.

[Treck]

But I dont really feel a hyphen would be a bad thing, as then the parents have come to the conclusion that they both want to show that they want part in the kids life.
If they are divorced and the kid only keeps one name, I cant not think that maybe one of the parent had more "right" than the other, and thus wanted to remove their ex from the kids life by removing its last name.
Its NEVER cut and dry like this,but you cant help to think.

[Skye1013]

My mother's father decided he was gay about twenty years into their marriage. Same thing with my aunt deciding she was a lesbian after about 15 years of marriage. I always feel dreadful for the person they eventually have to leave behind.

Minor nitpick on wording. Nobody "decides" to be gay. Either they are or aren't, and whether they choose to "accept" it is up to them.

I'm not sure when people "find out" they are gay but isn't it usually long before they are at an age to consider marriage?

There are stories of people accepting their homosexuality considerably late in life (80+ years old.) I'm at an age (27) that I could "consider marriage" (not that I have/had any prospects) but I only came to accept my homosexuality within the last couple of years.

Of course now that I think of it I realize there were signs, a long time ago, that he might be gay. Thanks, hindsight. Thanks.

I wouldn't read too much into past "signs." As I've told most of my friends and family after coming out: "don't go back into the past and try to figure out when you should have known I was gay. I didn't recognize it/accept it until recently, so any of our past interactions wouldn't have been with that knowledge in mind."