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So this is how it feels like to be a GM.

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So this is how it feels like to be a GM.

Postby Bobu » Sat Mar 15, 2008 2:39 pm

------------------------INCOMING WALL OF TEXT-------------------------

Balance Schmalance

We appreciate feedback.

We really do.

Indeed, we wait with bated breath for your suggestions on how we can make the game better.

Sometimes, it's good.

Except replace the word "sometimes" with the word "rarely".

My particular favorite is the many (many, many, MANY) suggestions we get on how to "balance" the job system.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to create balance in a system that has 20 entirely different job classes?

They have different abilities.

With different roles.

One might even say they were DIFFERENT JOBS.

Suppose your house was on fire.

No, it's not really on fire. Sit back down.

It's a metaphor, stupid.

So, your house is on fire.

A firefighter shows up.

A police officer.

Maybe a paramedic.

And then a shoe salesman.

Yes.

A shoe salesman.

Now, a shoe salesman might not be as helpful in this type of situation.

BurnVictim>> Someone help me!
BurnVictim>> I'm hurt!
ShoeSalesman>> You know what you need?
ShoeSalesman>> Sneakers.

But he shows up anyway.

And then starts complaining that he's not as helpful as the other people there.

ShoeSalesman>> This is so unfair.
ShoeSalesman>> Damned firefighters with the...
ShoeSalesman>> Saving people...
ShoeSalesman>> From fire...

He starts going on all the fire-fighting related forums.

Post Title: Fire fighting unbalanced

y is it every time there's a fire, everyone invites the firemen? they should totally nerf firefighters.

Then he starts calling up the fire department.

ShoeSalesman>> I have some good ideas on how to balance the fire fighting system.
ShoeSalesman>> They should adjust the strength of the fire.
ShoeSalesman>> Or maybe make the fire weak to... shoes.
FireChief>> Have you lost your mind?
ShoeSalesman>> That totally wouldn't make shoe salesmen overpowered.
ShoeSalesman>> We'd just be a viable job class.
FireChief>> I'm going to hang up now.

There are situations where a shoe salesman would be helpful.

You need a new pair of nikes? Helpful.

You need a nice pair of high heels? Helpful.

You need someone to keep you from burning to death? Not so much.

But the shoe salesman still expects you to completely revamp the entire system to make them more "balanced".

Here is how I might respond to the aforementioned shoe salesman:

GET ANOTHER DAMNED JOB!

If you want to fight fires, BECOME A FIREMAN!

I hate people.

Tomorrow, I'm going to go kick a shoe salesman in the balls.

Hard.

And when he asks for medical help, I'm calling a dry cleaner.

Let's see how he feels about balance then.

So, I'm playing Playstation. A few days ago, I decided to give FFXII another run through.

No, it had nothing to do with a certain helmet.

Shut up.

Anyway, I'm setting up my gambits for my characters.

For those of you who haven't played FFXII (what's the matter with you?), gambits are basically instructions you can set for your characters so that the other people in your group will follow preset rules that you have given them.

That's when an idea came to me.

Actually, "came to me" is putting it far too lightly.

This idea fell from the heavens and struck me in the brain. It was as if a giant light bulb flickered and then blazed inside my head.

There may have been a chorus of angels.

I'm not sure.

I immediately went to work moving Susan's computer across the room so it was side by side with my own.

This was made all the harder by the fact that Susan was using it at the time.

Do you know how hard it is to take a computer that someone else is using and move it across the room with them complaining the whole time?

Some people are so inconsiderate.

When little miss yappy finally gives up and stalks away muttering something about hiding a body, I log in on my main account and then use Susan's computer to log into my GM account.

I quickly form a party on my main. We've got a good set up. Things are looking good.

This is usually where the story takes a turn for the worse. This is usually where some moron does something stupid and blows it all to hell.

Notice that I said "usually".

You see, I've figured out the problem with massively multiplayer online games.

It's those damned other people.

But what if we could take those people out of the equation?

What if I had the ability to control another player's character?

I do?

Really?

Huh.

RedMage>> Something weird's going on guys.
RedMage>> My macros aren't working.
Paladin>> Mine either.
Paladin>> But my character is still casting spells.
WhiteMage>> WHAT THE HELL?!
Dave>> Yeah...
Dave>> That's weird.
Dave>> I totally don't know why that's happening.
WhiteMage>> Can you still control your character?
Dave>> Of course I can.
BlackMage>> WHY AM I CASTING BLIZZARD?
BlackMage>> I'M NOT PRESSING ANYTHING!
Dave>> Yup.
Dave>> Complete mystery.
Dave>> And that was Blizzard II.
RedMage>> Maybe we should all log out or something.
Dave>> Yeah, you should try that.
Dave>> Dammit. It didn't work.
RedMage>> How did you know it didn't work?
Dave>> Well, I disabled your log out.
Dave>> Made sense to me.
Paladin>> YOU DID WHAT?!
Dave>> Oh, calm down.
Dave>> Look at the exp we're getting.
Paladin>> GIVE ME BACK CONTROL!
Dave>> I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave.
RedMage>> THIS IS INSANE!
Dave>> I know.
Dave>> Your name's not even Dave.
Dave>> That line would have been awesome if your name was Dave.
Dave>> Why isn't your name Dave?
Dave>> Stupid Not-Dave.
BlackMage>> FORGET IT!
BlackMage>> I'M GOING TO UNPLUG MY ROUTER!
Dave>> You could do that.
Dave>> Of course, then I'd have to ban you.
RedMage>> YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
RedMage>> IT'S NOT FAIR!
Dave>> Yeah...
Dave>> Tough call.
Dave>> On the one hand, you are a person.
RedMage>> THAT'S RIGHT!
Dave>> Of course, I hate people.
Dave>> Not really seeing a dilemma here.

And so, we spent the next four hours partying. No one died and we made a hell of a lot of exp.

We all had a great time.

I assume.

For all I know, they left to go make a sandwich or something.

You know, the game would be a lot more fun if people were just a little bit more accommodating.

Or were replaced by a number of preset commands.

Or robots.

Yeah, robots would be awesome.

Now, many of you may be thinking it wasn't right to just take over their accounts and make them do whatever I wanted them to.

Maybe you're right.

But let me ask you something: did Balthier ever get your entire party killed because he had to go answer the phone?

No?

Something to think about.

Someone please shoot me.

All the elvaans just missed.

Bah dump pssshhhhh.

I consider myself somewhat tech savvy. I know how to use a computer and I know how NOT to use a computer.

It's really not that hard.

For some reason though, I have become the tech guru for my family.

If something uses electricity and does not work, they call me.

They call me and I die a little inside.

And it's not just computers. Apparently, my ability to use computers makes me some form of expert on TV repair.

This would be frustrating except for the fact that the problem is usually something so stupid that anyone with the slightest clue would be able to figure it out.

FamilyMember>> Firefox disappeared off my computer.
Dave>> Yeah...
Dave>> You accidentally deleted the shortcut.

FamilyMember>> The blender broke.
Dave>> Yeah...
Dave>> Maybe you should plug it in first.

FamilyMember>> I can't get the microwave open.
Dave>> Yeah...
Dave>> That's a television.

I mean is it that hard to learn how to use electronics anymore?

If they made some of these things any more idiot proof, someone would come to your house and use it for you.

FamilyMember>> Can I listen to my ipod?
TechGuy>> Go sit the hell down.
TechGuy>> I'll bring you the headphones in a minute.
FamilyMember>> I like that Avril Lavigne.
TechGuy>> Go sit down.

So, we're at Susan's parents house.

Actually, I was at Susan's parents house. Susan was gone shopping.

The only people home were me and her mother.

No good could come from this.

I'm upstairs using their "computer".

I use quotation marks because that thing barely qualifies as a computer. It's a 1 Ghz celeron with 128 megs of ram and running Windows ME.

I actually wash my hands when I'm done.

Anyway, I'm using the "computer" when I hear those dreaded words:

SusansMom>> Dave?
SusansMom>> Can you help me with something?

Maybe it won't be anything bad.

Maybe she needs help lifting something.

Anything but electronics.

SusansMom>> I think the remote is broken.

Dammit.

So, I go downstairs and find Susan's mother kneeling in front of the television stand and shaking the remote furiously.

I submit diagram A.

http://bp2.blogger.com/__49-jAxaAtg/R9H ... -h/TV1.jpg

The other guys who get suckered into doing this probably already see the problem.

In case you do not, I have prepared a second diagram.

Diagram B

http://bp1.blogger.com/__49-jAxaAtg/R9H ... -h/TV2.jpg

She had been sat there for 10 minutes trying to change the channel.

She didn't bother to once try pointing the remote at the cable box.

The cable box she herself purchased.

I explained it to her.

Twice.

Her response:

SusansMom>> Well that's just dumb.

And if I had killed her, I would have gone to jail.

Where's the justice?

This, of course, leads us to Diagram C

http://bp3.blogger.com/__49-jAxaAtg/R9H ... -h/TV3.jpg


My head still hurts. I think I may have given myself brain damage.

At least they wouldn't ask me for help anymore.



Got this from WoW forums.
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Postby Shamora » Sat Mar 15, 2008 2:46 pm

Here's a link to the actual site it comes from

http://bannable-offenses.blogspot.com/

It's a great read
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Re: So this is how it feels like to be a GM.

Postby Invisusira » Sat Mar 15, 2008 3:06 pm

Bobu wrote:So, your house is on fire.

A firefighter shows up.

A police officer.

Maybe a paramedic.

And then a shoe salesman.

Yes.

A shoe salesman.

Now, a shoe salesman might not be as helpful in this type of situation.

BurnVictim>> Someone help me!
BurnVictim>> I'm hurt!
ShoeSalesman>> You know what you need?
ShoeSalesman>> Sneakers.

But he shows up anyway.

And then starts complaining that he's not as helpful as the other people there.

ShoeSalesman>> This is so unfair.
ShoeSalesman>> Damned firefighters with the...
ShoeSalesman>> Saving people...
ShoeSalesman>> From fire...

He starts going on all the fire-fighting related forums.

Post Title: Fire fighting unbalanced

y is it every time there's a fire, everyone invites the firemen? they should totally nerf firefighters.

Then he starts calling up the fire department.

ShoeSalesman>> I have some good ideas on how to balance the fire fighting system.
ShoeSalesman>> They should adjust the strength of the fire.
ShoeSalesman>> Or maybe make the fire weak to... shoes.
FireChief>> Have you lost your mind?
ShoeSalesman>> That totally wouldn't make shoe salesmen overpowered.
ShoeSalesman>> We'd just be a viable job class.
FireChief>> I'm going to hang up now.

There are situations where a shoe salesman would be helpful.

You need a new pair of nikes? Helpful.

You need a nice pair of high heels? Helpful.

You need someone to keep you from burning to death? Not so much.

But the shoe salesman still expects you to completely revamp the entire system to make them more "balanced".

Here is how I might respond to the aforementioned shoe salesman:

GET ANOTHER DAMNED JOB!

If you want to fight fires, BECOME A FIREMAN!

I hate people.

Tomorrow, I'm going to go kick a shoe salesman in the balls.

Hard.

I love this clip. This is WoW.
Last edited by Invisusira on Sat Mar 15, 2008 3:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Bobu » Sat Mar 15, 2008 3:21 pm

it's true
fires need to be buffed
an
firemans need a nerf
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Postby Xanatos » Tue Mar 18, 2008 12:14 am

My favorite GM Dave post :-

In retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to put it on my job application. But it seemed like such a good idea at the time.

Here's how my thought process went:

[GM]Dave>> But I don't speak anything except english.
[GM]Dave>> I don't even speak that very good.
[GM]DavesBrain>> Oh, that doesn't matter.
[GM]DavesBrain>> Just put down that you speak French.
[GM]DavesBrain>> It'll never come up.
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure?
[GM]DavesBrain>> Completely.
[GM]DavesBrain>> You should also put down...
[GM]DavesBrain>> What's that other country in Europe?
[GM]Dave>> Russia?
[GM]DavesBrain>> No.
[GM]DavesBrain>> The other one.
[GM]Dave>> Germany?
[GM]DavesBrain>> Yeah. That's the one.
[GM]DavesBrain>> Put down that you speak German.
[GM]Dave>> I don't know.
[GM]Dave>> This doesn't seem like a good idea.
[GM]DavesBrain>> C'mon.
[GM]DavesBrain>> Trust me.

So, I put it down.

And up until today, it had never been an issue. Seems the English speaking portion of the FFXI playerbase had kept me more than busy.

And then our supervisor came in today.

Supervisor>> Guys!
Supervisor>> We're getting hammered by calls from European players.
Supervisor>> All multilingual employees are going to handle these calls.
Supervisor>> I'll need some volunteers.

Uh oh.

Damit dammit dammit.

This is the last time I ever listen to my brain.

Wait... He asked for volunteers. I'm safe.

Supervisor>> Nobody?
Supervisor>> That's okay.
Supervisor>> I have a list of multilingual employees.

Crap.

So, I'm stuck fielding calls from our European players.

Then I get my first call.

GM Call Description: On m'a volé ma monstre. J'ai vu ce qui est arrivé.

Yeah.

I'll get right on that.

Just as soon as I figure out what the hell you just said.

Babelfish to the rescue!

Apparently, that translates to

GM Call Description: Me was stolen my monster. I saw what arrived.

...

Okay...

Let me check Babelfish again.

Nope. No broken english to english translation.

I can figure this out. A monster was stolen and they saw what arrived.

...

I'm going to kill my brain with alcohol.

My liver will be acceptable collateral damage.

Oh, well. A monster got stolen. I can work from there.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand someone stole your monster.
Player>> ...
Player>> Quoi?

Oh shit.

Back to Babelfish.

[GM]Dave>> I understand someone stole your monster.
Player>> Yes.
Player>> We camped Serra in Bay of Bibiki.
[GM]Dave>> Then what happened?
Player>> A part came near and stole our monster.
[GM]Dave>> How did they steal it?
Player>> They took it before we could.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> That's not stealing.
[GM]Dave>> That's just you getting owned.
Player>> What?
Player>> I don't understand.

Oh damn. What the hell did I just say?

Click on French to English...

It right obtaining to you is had.

...

I sound like I should be writing for Mysterytour.

Okay... I'm getting really sick of this.

[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> I don't speak french.
Player>> (( Autotranslate )) ?
[GM]Dave>> (( I don't understand English. ))
[GM]Dave>> (( I don't understand Japanese. ))
[GM]Dave>> (( I speak a little. )) (( Chocobo ))
Player>> Quoi?
[GM]Dave>> Wark?
Player>> Tu es une imbecile.

Hey! I understand that last word.

Maybe I do know French.

Unfortunately, I must now destroy him.

[GM]Dave>> So...
[GM]Dave>> Do you understand any English?
Player>> A small bit.
[GM]Dave>> What's the word "dragon" in French?
Player>> Dragon.

Jormungand hits Player for 12,722 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> What's the word "banned" in French?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Hello?
[GM]Dave>> Are you there?

He kind of disappeared after that.

And just when I was starting to learn some important phrases
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Postby Io.Draco » Tue Mar 18, 2008 8:22 am

Alternate Title: "Well... maybe Short Bus special."

Okay. I'm sure in your little world, you're very, very important.

Yes, yes. Your mom thinks you're cool.

But I hate to tell you this, but your problems are not that important.

They're not. At all. Important. Not important. At all.

Do you understand?

Before you can even send a GM call, a warning screen pops up to tell you that GM calls are only to be made for serious emergencies. Serious emergencies.

The petty annoyances of your day ARE NOT EMERGENCIES!

I swear to God if I have to listen to one more vapid, conceited moron complain about not getting parties, or having missed an airship, or whatever other stick they have up their ass, I'm going to set the servers on fire.

And no, I don't mean Fire IV or Firaga. I mean I will douse them in kerosene and light those babies up.

Let's see if getting lost in Eldieme Necropolis is a major emergency when the harddrive your character is on turns into so much melted plastic and charred metal.

I have major things I have to do during the day. I have people with actual problems that I like to help.

Also, I have about 100,000 retards that need to be injested by a dragon.

I like that, too.

So, your piddly little problems are really not worth my time. REALLY.

Accidentally dropping something valuable is not an emergency.

Wondering which day comes after Firesday is not an emergency.

Forgetting the way to Boyahda Tree is not an emergency.

Sorry. I meant (( The Boyahda Tree )).

I was just about to end a very late shift, when I got a GM call.

Well... it wasn't so much a shift as me clocking in and then running through Dynamis on my main character.

Why I checked the GM call queue, I'm not sure.

Apparently, I'm a masochist.

Sadism and masochism. Yeah, I'm happy about where I am in life. Good times.

GM Call Description: I'm being harassed through tells.

Always with the harassment.

If people actually got "harassed" as much as GM calls would make you think, we'd have to add a new restraining order command.

But, alas, I just had to stop and look at this car wreck...

... I mean respond to this call.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer. Yada yada yada.
[GM]Dave>> What do you want?
Player>> Other players are harassing me through tells.
[GM]Dave>> Suuurrrrrrrrre they are.
[GM]Dave>> How many people?
Player>> 7, I think. Or 8.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, that sounds kind of serious.
[GM]Dave>> What kind of tells are they?
Player>> They just keep badgering me over and over.
Player>> And asking the same questions.
[GM]Dave>> That does sound like harassment.
[GM]Dave>> Let me check the logs.

*minutes pass*

[GM]Dave>> They were asking you to party.
Player>> I know.
Player>> I didn't feel like partying.
[GM]Dave>> They were asking you TO PARTY.
Player>> I know. And they wouldn't stop.
[GM]Dave>> Let me ask you something:
[GM]Dave>> Are you retarded?
Player>> What?!
Player>> HOW DARE YOU?
[GM]Dave>> It's okay.
[GM]Dave>> I'm totally cool with the Retarded.
Player>> I'm not retarded!
[GM]Dave>> And you guys have your own Olympics.
[GM]Dave>> Sure, there's an asterisk next to your record.
[GM]Dave>> But still.
Player>> I'm not retarded!
[GM]Dave>> Am I talking too fast for you?
[GM]Dave>> Or my words. Are they too big?
Player>> STOP IT!
[GM]Dave>> That's good. That's very, very good.
[GM]Dave>> Use your words.
Player>> STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!
[GM]Dave>> I'm having trouble understanding you.
[GM]Dave>> Is your Mommy or Daddy there?
Player>> I'M 27!!
[GM]Dave>> Like I said: is your Mommy or Daddy there?
Player>> I HATE YOU, YOU BASTARD!
[GM]Dave>> That's a very big word.
[GM]Dave>> I'm proud of you.
Player>> GET ME ANOTHER GM!
Player>> I'm filing a complaint against you!
[GM]Dave>> Let me guess.
[GM]Dave>> For harassment.
Player>> YES!
[GM]Dave>> I can transfer you to the complaints manager.
Player>> YES! RIGHT NOW!
[GM]Dave>> No problem.

*warp*

[GM]Dave>> Given your "special" circumstances...
[GM]Dave>> I've contacted our "Alternate Ability" councillor.
Player>> What?!
[GM]Dave>> Sorry. Big words again.
[GM]Dave>> I called the "guy in charge of the retards".
Player>> I'M NOT RETARDED!
[GM]Dave>> It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Player>> Would you like to be called retarded?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, HELL NO!
[GM]Dave>> That's not even funny.
Player>> Then why do you think I'm retarded?
[GM]Dave>> Well you did ask to see the complaints manager.

Jormungand hits Player for 10,113 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Seems awfully retarded to me.

Honestly, just because something annoying happens to you, it doesn't make it an emergency.

And when you make a GM call about it, your stupid annoyance becomes my stupid annoyance.

And then I'll give you a damned emergency.



This guy is pure gold :)
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Postby Io.Draco » Tue Mar 18, 2008 8:26 am

Another epic one'


Alternate Title: "I'm shaking in my foot gear."

Why do people feel the need to challenge me?

Why?

It is so overwhelmingly stupid to constantly see morons trying to call me out. As if their pathetic, pedantic little challenges would worry me.

The only thing these childish ramblings do is prove how retarded you really are.

Why would a GM take time out to warp to your server at your request?

I wouldn't do that. I prefer random acts of cruelty.

It takes all the fun out of it if they know you're coming.

I prefer to deal with natural stupidity. You know, that n00bish behavior that makes Vana'diel harder to live in.

You idiots trying to impress everyone with your "manliness" is just plain sad.

And the best part is that everyone knows it. Everyone who reads your comments laughs at the little fools trying to act tough.

You can't hang with me.

Imagine a four year old ran up and challenged you to a fight. Would you even bother?

Of course not. And that's why I don't bother with your pathetic, little challenges. You are so far beneath me that they are laughable, at best.

Today, though, I decided to see what one of these little punks could do.

I figured it would be good for a laugh.

Luckily, I didn't have to wait long for one of them to show up.

GM Call Description: We want to challenge [GM]Dave to a fight.

I mean how stupid could you be?

Why not GM Call Description: We want to challenge Evander Holyfield to a boxing match?

You're outclassed. Don't you realize that?

So, I warp over to their server. I don't want to embarass them (more than I did), so I won't tell you what server it was.

I will tell you that it begins with an 'S'.

And rhymes with Shiva.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you are considering suicide.
Player>> No way, loser.
Player>> We want to fight your fake GM ass.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not sure if my ass is targetable.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Also, my ass doesn't have a ballista license.
[GM]Dave>> It did finish the mentor quest, though.
Player>> We know you can't ban us.
Player>> And now, we're gonna kick your ass.
[GM]Dave>> I don't have a mirror...
[GM]Dave>> But I doubt my ass looks very worried.
Player>> Then you'll fight me?
[GM]Dave>> What do you mean "me"?
[GM]Dave>> I thought you had a whole group.
Player>> You want to fight all of us?!
[GM]Dave>> It wouldn't be worth the effort just to fight you.
Player>> You son of a bitch!
[GM]Dave>> Oh.
[GM]Dave>> You know my mom, then.
Player>> We're ready when you are, punk.

Now, that's where his already poor logic really started to fail him.

Why would you taunt someone who has already agreed to fight you? That's just not wise.

And taunting me?

Oh... the fun I was gonna have.

[GM]Dave>> Where do you want to fight?
[GM]Dave>> Choose any area you like.
Player>> How about Mordion Gaol?

Okay, now he'd just gone plain retarded.

What was his plan should he, by some miracle, win?

"Hey! We won! WE WO... How the hell do we get out of here?"

[GM]Dave>> Why not? Any other requests?
[GM]Dave>> Want me to just kill you and save us both some time?
Player>> You know we could win.
[GM]Dave>> It's possible.
Player>> HA!
[GM]Dave>> I could die of a heart attack.
Player>> You jerk!
[GM]Dave>> Sticks and stones may break my bones...
[GM]Dave>> But you'll still be retarded.
Player>> Let's go then, bitch.
[GM]Dave>> Can I ask you a question first?
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Is it hard to play with your head up your ass?

So, I warp him and his friends to Mordion Gaol.

A quick perusal of their gear and weapons indicated that these guys meant business. All level 75s with some of the best items in the game.

And then they started to check me.

Player>> HAHAHA!
[GM]Dave>> Yes?
Player>> What's with the delay on your Great Sword?
[GM]Dave>> It is a little high, I suppose.
Player>> High?!
Player>> You'll only get one swing a minute.
[GM]Dave>> Scared yet?
Player>> Hardly.
Player>> You'll be dead before your third swing.
[GM]Dave>> We'll see.
Player>> Everyone will.
Player>> I'm running Fraps.

JACKPOT!

[GM]Dave>> Thank you for telling me that.
Player>> ... What?
[GM]Dave>> Fraps is technically a third party program.
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to have to review your account for banning.
Player>> You can't do that!
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure?

That's when they charged me. All 6 of them came in swinging. It was a hectic flurry of blades and lances.

And zeros.

[GM]Dave>> Did I mention this armor reduces all damage to 0?
Player>> Oh GAWD!
[GM]Dave>> Is it my turn now?

I pulled out my Great Sword and swung at the moron's friend, the Paladin.

Who promptly disappeared.

Player>> Where did he go?
Player>> We could have raised him!
[GM]Dave>> I doubt it.
[GM]Dave>> My sword just deleted his character.
Player>> WHAT?!
[GM]Dave>> I'll get to you soon.
[GM]Dave>> Damn the delay on this sword.

The hectic flurry continued after that, but instead of weapons, it was a flurry of bodies as they tried to get away.

I spent the next 5 minutes chasing down all of his friends and hitting them with the good old banstick.

Can you imagine watching years of game time, years of hard work and level grinding, going up in the quick slash of a Great Sword?

I'm guessing that would suck.

So, I left my "challenger" for last. I use quotation marks because it's not like any adventurer would present a challenge.

Player>> What are you going to do to me?
Player>> Are you going to delete my character?
[GM]Dave>> Nope.
Player>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> That would be too good for you.
[GM]Dave>> Let's go to Jeuno.

*warp*

Player>> What are we doing?
[GM]Dave>> Well, you just opened a bazaar.
Player>> No, I didn't.
[GM]Dave>> I'd check again if I were you.
[GM]Dave>> Great prices, too.
Player>> You BASTARD!
[GM]Dave>> I didn't think anyone would sell a Hauberk for 1 gil.
Player>> Ohmygodohmygodohmygod
[GM]Dave>> And a Kirin's Osode.
[GM]Dave>> Hey! A Kraken Club!
Player>> Please don't do it
Player>> pleasepleasepleaseplease
[GM]Dave>> Actually, I'm going to buy that one myself.

[GM]Dave makes a purchase from your bazaar.

Player>> I $%&!^&* HATE YOU!
[GM]Dave>> I assumed you would.
[GM]Dave>> You'll notice that you can't move.
[GM]Dave>> Or logout.
[GM]Dave>> You'll also find you can't even DC.
Player>> $%$@^%&*^%&&*#^#$^%
[GM]Dave>> Such language.
[GM]Dave>> Tsk, tsk, tsk.

It was funny watching him stand there as the vultures started to loot his possessions.

And then reloading his bazaar from his mogsafe.

[GM]Dave>> Whoops!
[GM]Dave>> Dropped your Rajas Ring.
Player>> I'M GOING TO @$#%$*& KILL YOU!
[GM]Dave>> Didn't we already play that game?
[GM]Dave>> As I recall, I won.

After everything he owned had been sold (and he had made almost 100 gil), I finally let him log out.

Now, that's worse than a ban. A ban means you are unable to play.

My way left him able to play, but not without crying.

Much better.

So, before you impotent little morons try to challenge me, ask yourself what the best outcome could be.

1) you win fight, I delete your character

2) I win, I delete your character

3) I don't answer and the mess with your character data.

Do any of those sound appealing?

Seriously. Save yourself some trouble and just run a magnet over your harddrive.
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Postby Blutreich » Tue Mar 18, 2008 8:50 am

so so full of win
Image
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
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Postby ehly » Tue Mar 18, 2008 4:59 pm

Being a former ffxi player before wow.... this is full of extra win thank you very much.
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Postby Melathys » Tue Mar 18, 2008 8:02 pm

makes me want to go back to ffxi.

GM Dave is a genius, lol
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Postby Io.Draco » Wed Mar 19, 2008 4:19 am

[GM]Dave>> Hi, kids.
[GM]Dave>> I spend my day dealing with retards.
Teacher>> I hear ya, brother.



I just can't stop laughing :)
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Postby Io.Draco » Wed Mar 19, 2008 6:51 am

Another good one

And the Awards Roll On

Here we are on the last day of Awards week.

At least, I think it will be the last day.

Honestly, though, I could award a new stupidity award each and every day.

Sometimes, twice a day.

Usually, to the same people.

We must, however, end this edition of the Stupid Awards so that I can get back to my regular routine of killing botters and feeding dragons.

Actually having to read GM calls to find nominees is starting to bother me.

I'd rather get back to my old system: ban them all and let WoW sort them out.

On to the award...

Today's award goes out to the lowest of the low, the dumbest of the dumb, the most incredibly stupid playerset to ever inhabit the virtual realm.

This group is so incredibly stupid that simple banning does not seem ample enough.

You almost want to fly to their homes and beat them with a copy of the ToS.

Alas, if only airfare were cheaper.

How people in this group remember to breathe still mystifies me. Their sheer, rampant stupidity trails behind them in a wake from which no player is safe.

Luckily, these drooling simpletons often find their way to me.

Like lambs to the slaughter.

It actually does remind me of the time I spent working at a slaughterhouse.

I learned how to use a hammer.

The mindless cattle just walk blindly onto the killing floor, completely unaware that they are walking themselves to their own destruction.

Today's award was saved for these people because they have reached the pinnacle, penultimate level of stupidity.

The award for the most absolutely retarded player goes to the...

"I'm actively going to confess to a crime" guy.

This person is so monumentally stupid that they not only make an unnecessary GM call, but they make one and confess that they broke the rules.

I mean, how stupid can you be?

All high and mighty, these players will call us up to complain about someone breaking the rules and then explain that they did the same thing.

Or worse.

Just this morning, I got the call of calls.

He might as well have just said "give me a trophy for being retarded."

GM Call Description: Player stole money from me.

The first thing I thought was "not another of these idiots."

But then I realized that this call might give me a new nominee for the award of the day.

Little did I know how right I was.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> So, I hear you got robbed.
Player>> Yeah. They stole my money.
[GM]Dave>> Hence, the use of the word robbed.
[GM]Dave>> I could also have said "Apparently, you're retarded."
Player>> Shut up.
Player>> I'm not retarded.
[GM]Dave>> Then how did they "steal" from you, genius?
[GM]Dave>> Did they haxor ur account?
Player>> No, no, no.
Player>> They didn't give me the money they promised me.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> That's not stealing.
[GM]Dave>> That's someone not giving you money.
Player>> But they have to.
[GM]Dave>> No. No, they don't.
[GM]Dave>> They don't have to do anything.
Player>> Yes, they do.
[GM]Dave>> And why exactly is that?
Player>> Because I paid for the gil, you idiot.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Could you say that again?
Player>> I paid for the gil and they were supposed to send it.
Player>> That's what the website said.

Someone up there must either really like me or really hate him.

Given his IQ (and my penchant for random acts of evil), I'm assuming they hate him.

[GM]Dave>> So let me get this straight.
[GM]Dave>> You bought gil from a website.
Player>> Yup.
[GM]Dave>> Using real money.
Player>> Well, a credit card, but yeah.
[GM]Dave>> They didn't send you the gil.
Player>> That's right.
[GM]Dave>> And so you called me.
Player>> Yup.
[GM]Dave>> To get back the gil you paid for.
Player>> Exactly.
[GM]Dave>> Am I on Candid Camera?
Player>> What?
Player>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> This is a joke, right?
[GM]Dave>> You can't possibly be that retarded.
Player>> Stop calling me retarded!
[GM]Dave>> You stop acting retarded!
[GM]Dave>> If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck...
[GM]Dave>> You're probably retarded.
Player>> I am not retarded!
[GM]Dave>> Why do the retards keep saying that?
[GM]Dave>> It's getting annoying.
Player>> Just get my gil back.
[GM]Dave>> Right away, sir.
[GM]Dave>> Can I get you anything else today?
[GM]Dave>> Would you like a unicorn as well?
Player>> I just want my gil.
Player>> I bought it. It's mine.
[GM]Dave>> Seriously.
[GM]Dave>> Is this a joke?
Player>> IT'S NOT A JOKE!!!
[GM]Dave>> It's pretty funny either way.
[GM]Dave>> I'm just wondering if I'm laughing with you...
[GM]Dave>> Or at you.
Player>> DO YOUR JOB!
[GM]Dave>> Yup.
[GM]Dave>> Definitely at you.
Player>> I WANT MY GIL!!!
[GM]Dave>> Tell you what.
[GM]Dave>> I'll punish the idiot who did something wrong, ok?
Player>> That's better.
[GM]Dave>> And I'll let you pick the punishment.
Player>> You should kill him.
[GM]Dave>> That's a good start.
[GM]Dave>> Anything else?
Player>> There's some crazy GM who feeds people to dragons.
[GM]Dave>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> I haven't heard about that.
Player>> Could you do that to him?
[GM]Dave>> That can be arranged.
[GM]Dave>> Do you want me to ban him as well?
Player>> Sure.
Player>> Damn gilsellers deserve it.
[GM]Dave>> Could you please stop talking?
[GM]Dave>> The logic center of my brain just imploded.
Player>> Uhh...
Player>> Sure.
[GM]Dave>> So fed to a dragon and banned?
Player>> That's perfect.
[GM]Dave>> I couldn't agree more.

*warp*

Player>> Umm...
Player>> Where are we?
[GM]Dave>> I figured you'd want to see the retard die.
Player>> Awesome.
Player>> Where is he?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, he's nearby.

Jormungand hits Player for 10,114 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.
Player falls to level 49.

Player>> WTF?!!!
[GM]Dave>> What?
Player>> I DIED!!!
[GM]Dave>> Well aren't you observant?
[GM]Dave>> Did you want a cookie?
Player>> Why did I die?
[GM]Dave>> I'm no expert...
[GM]Dave>> But I think it was getting eaten by a dragon.
Player>> Why?!!!
[GM]Dave>> I'm not a doctor.
Player>> This is ridiculous!!!
[GM]Dave>> Then you'll find this part hilarious.

*BANNED*

What would cause a person to become so incredibly stupid that they would actively find a GM and then confess breaking the ToS?

I mean, there's honesty and then there's retardedness.

Luckily, these players also go out of their way to get banned from the game.

It's like watching lemmings jump off a cliff.

Sp, because these morons manage to create a new dimension of stupidity, I am only too happy to award them with the 2006 Stupidity Achievement award.

I'm sure it'll be hard to appreciate a trophy with their head that far up their ass, but it's the thought that counts.
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