Hilarious Amazon Reviews

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Hilarious Amazon Reviews

Postby Fivelives » Sat Apr 14, 2012 8:51 am

Post your favorite Amazon reviews, some of them are absolute gems!

How The Secret changed my life:

Please allow me to share with you how "The Secret" changed my life and in a very real and substantive way allowed me to overcome a severe crisis in my personal life. It is well known that the premise of "The Secret" is the science of attracting the things in life that you desire and need and in removing from your life those things that you don't want. Before finding this book, I knew nothing of these principles, the process of positive visualization, and had actually engaged in reckless behaviors to the point of endangering my own life and wellbeing.
At age 36, I found myself in a medium security prison serving 3-5 years for destruction of government property and public intoxication. This was stiff punishment for drunkenly defecating in a mailbox but as the judge pointed out, this was my third conviction for the exact same crime. I obviously had an alcohol problem and a deep and intense disrespect for the postal system, but even more importantly I was ignoring the very fabric of our metaphysical reality and inviting destructive influences into my life.
My fourth day in prison was the first day that I was allowed in general population and while in the recreation yard I was approached by a prisoner named Marcus who calmly informed me that as a new prisoner I had been purchased by him for three packs of Winston cigarettes and 8 ounces of Pruno (prison wine). Marcus elaborated further that I could expect to be raped by him on a daily basis and that I had pretty eyes.
Needless to say, I was deeply shocked that my life had sunk to this level. Although I've never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15. I returned to my cell and sat very quietly, searching myself for answers on how I could improve my life and distance myself from harmful outside influences. At that point, in what I consider to be a miraculous moment, my cell mate Jim Norton informed me that he knew about the Marcus situation and that he had something that could solve my problems. He handed me a copy of "The Secret". Normally I wouldn't have turned to a self help book to resolve such a severe and immediate threat but I literally didn't have any other available alternatives. I immediately opened the book and began to read.
The first few chapters deal with the essence of something called the "Law of Attraction" in which a primal universal force is available to us and can be harnessed for the betterment of our lives. The theoretical nature of the first few chapters wasn't exactly putting me at peace. In fact, I had never meditated and had great difficulty with closing out the chaotic noises of the prison and visualizing the positive changes that I so dearly needed. It was when I reached Chapter 6 "The Secret to Relationships" that I realized how this book could help me distance myself from Marcus and his negative intentions. Starting with chapter six there was a cavity carved into the book and in that cavity was a prison shiv. This particular shiv was a toothbrush with a handle that had been repeatedly melted and ground into a razor sharp point.
The next day in the exercise yard I carried "The Secret" with me and when Marcus approached me I opened the book and stabbed him in the neck. The next eight weeks in solitary confinement provided ample time to practice positive visualization and the 16 hours per day of absolute darkness made visualization about the only thing that I actually could do. I'm not sure that everybody's life will be changed in such a dramatic way by this book but I'm very thankful to have found it and will continue to recommend it heartily.
- I'm not Jesus, but I can turn water into Kool-Aid.
- A Sergeant in motion outranks an officer who doesn't know what the hell is going on.
- A demolitions specialist at a flat run outranks everybody.
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Re: Hilarious Amazon Reviews

Postby Melathys » Sat Apr 14, 2012 4:06 pm

You have to read 1 star reviews. sometimes they are very informative, other times you realize just how stupid people are.

Like this one for the blender I have. 1 star review for a product for a reason that is purely the stupidity of the buyer.

"I was looking forward to my Blendtec blender. I live in Australia, but when I received it, the appliance had an American plug and had American voltage, which is not suitable for Australian grid. Just to say to other buyers beware of buying electrical goods in US - make sure they comply with your country. I had to send blender back to Amazon, but was still stung for the postage which I think they should have paid for. I am still waiting for my refund."

and this one.
" I absolutely detest the way this blender sloshes everything up and down inside the container like a washing machine. This splashes everything up against the sides and lid. Better make sure your lid is on securely, or liquid will come flying out the sides creating a mess. Liquid will also come out the vent hole on the top of the lid, which forced me to cover it. I tend to blend my smoothies in the evening and place them in the fridge overnight for a morning drink. Because the Blendtec sloshes everything up and down, the liquid has hardened overnight on the sides and lid, making clean up a more difficult chore. This sloshing action appears to be caused by the design of the blades (NOT the motor speeding up and down), to make sure your ingredients don't get stuck at the bottom. But that's just not a big enough problem when I blend, to live with this washing machine action. The Vitamix does not do this by design, it only happens if you try, by cranking up the speed way too fast."

Really? you leave it sitting in its container overnight and complain that its hard to clean in the morning?

And there's plenty about the Blendtec being a ripoff of Vitamix, yet Vitamix had to pay Blendtec $24 million for patent infringement.

*edit
ok, the one you posted is pure gold, lol.
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Re: Hilarious Amazon Reviews

Postby Fivelives » Sat Apr 14, 2012 4:39 pm

Yeah, I figured by adding the word "Hilarious" in the thread title, people would understand that we're (or well, I am, at least) looking for the funny reviews.

Like this classic here.

I'm just a regular American guy. I've got a truck, smoke a little too much, maybe missing a few toes. Nothing too unusual. At my 9-to-5 I've gotten by for years on my old Two Wolf Moon T-Shirt. "Bring the loader over to bay 4" they'd say, and I'd get over there and get it done, my two wolves classy enough for work but also letting the passing ladies know I'm a raging torrent of untamed American spirit yearning to breath free, preferably naked. I'm no Don Juan, but I did ok -- mostly with Janice from Accounting, until she got diptheria.

Most of my income went to the good life, brewed high in the Rockies if you know what I mean. But one day I decided to take some hard earned dough and upgrade. Bigtime. When I got my Three Wolf Moon t-shirt, I knew my life had changed, but I didn't know how much.

When I put it on, the effect was immediate. 33% more wolf was almost too much to handle. It was like wearing 1500 ccs of chaps on a 1800 cc motorcycle. The vibrations alone were almost enough to throw me off my stride. And the fact that the third wolf faces backwards while howling, demonstrating individuality at the same time as unity of purpose and nobility of spirit, was a metaphor so powerful Roy, the guy who steals my mail, practically took his own foot off with his weed whacker the moment he saw me.

Jesus.

After suturing him up with some spare baling twine, I trotted down to the hardware store to stock up. Bad idea. The rippling of my well endowed man curves apparently set the wolves to almost a hypnotic shimmering, trapped and yet freed under the opalescent moon they eternally worship and yet deny. Some guy took one look at me and backed right into a concrete planter. I almost stopped to see if he was ok, but then I remembered that wolves don't stop for anybody, particularly when howling.

These days, I'm making $1.15 more an hour, and I keep getting free cable. With the savings, I'm thinking ...maybe...just maybe, it'll be Four Wolf Time soon. But for those of you who have put in your time and training on the One and Two wolf shirts, I highly recommend investing in an upgrade. You'll never truly soar free without one.
- I'm not Jesus, but I can turn water into Kool-Aid.
- A Sergeant in motion outranks an officer who doesn't know what the hell is going on.
- A demolitions specialist at a flat run outranks everybody.
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Re: Hilarious Amazon Reviews

Postby Melathys » Sat Apr 14, 2012 5:01 pm

its a different kind of funny, though the stupid reviews make my brain hurt more than it makes me laugh I suppose.
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Re: Hilarious Amazon Reviews

Postby Fenrìr » Mon Apr 16, 2012 2:26 am

Haha, those are great. I always make it a point to read the 1-star reviews cause it shows just how stupid some people can be.
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Re: Hilarious Amazon Reviews

Postby Lexica_Wildhammer » Tue Apr 17, 2012 8:24 am

http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASI ... BK/b3ta-21

Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200ml

Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.

(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)


Well like 90% of the reviews on the page. I would say we have all suffered from making the terrible mistake of vandalizing ones self in ways which we shouldn't.

If you are keen player in the arts of "BDSM" or "Sadomasochism", be my guest, this product will certainly bring you pleasure. However if you are a run of the mill bloke trying to remove some unwanted hair from some unwanted places, this product will make you cry.

I obviously wanted to sport the longer look, which let not beat around the bush (no pun intended) makes any man feel better about themselves (well it does me anyways). I'm also a fairly hairy individual, so this product is certainly useful as it's near to impossible to shave my own back.

However when applied to the genital region, the first couple of minutes you stand there looking at it, trying to sniff the air to see if you can smell that horrible burning hair smell (which i couldn't). You then realise after a few more moment's that your smile has changed into a very neutral position. I don't really read instructions in life. I treat them as if they were that EULA thing when you install software or start an Xbox game, and you just click next.

Anyhow, all I can say is that I would not need a flame on a stick going through a dark tunnel or cave. I could simply wack my bollocks out. Yes you guessed it bright red and pretty painful. But I do look hung. Anyhow would I do it again, maybe in a few months. My skins pretty resilient, so it's not to sensitive, but I guess if you are a ginger or generally have light fair sensitive skin you may find out the hard way and wake up one morning with a extremely high voice and notice you have no more testicles and being officially classed as a eunuch.
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