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So, I just watched Corpse Bride for the first time...

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Re: So, I just watched Corpse Bride for the first time...

Postby Melathys » Wed Apr 21, 2010 1:52 pm

I'm of the camp that you shouldn't shelter your kids. They'll grow up one day, so when that day comes life shouldn't be a shock for them. My parents never banned any movies from us (except as young kids when..um..sex scenes that showed a bit much came up) They never talked down to us, or refused to explain things to us "because we'll understand when we're older".

I also never understood people that put soooooo much thought into watching movies. Its a movie, its intent is nothing other than to entertain. Like my brother kept saying how the newest Rambo movie was the worst movie he's ever seen...its a Rambo movie, stop thinking so much about it and just watch.
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Re: So, I just watched Corpse Bride for the first time...

Postby Kelaan » Fri Apr 23, 2010 10:07 am

culhag wrote:Great-film-I-should-have-seen-a-long-time-ago was Pan's Labyrinth for me.


Oh christ. That was the movie that got my movie-picking rights revoked for half a year (or more?). :D My wife hated hated HATED it, and I merely Didn't Like It. I was expecting a more alice-in-wonderland amount of surreality, and instead it had like three cool scenes, and the rest was about thugs with guns. I'm also not keen on movies which are thoroughly depressing all the way through, and then have the exact opposite of a happy ending.
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Re: So, I just watched Corpse Bride for the first time...

Postby fuzzygeek » Fri Apr 23, 2010 11:39 am

mew wrote:I can see that about the characters. What do you mean by internal consistency?


My sister loved Pan's Labyrinth. Loved loved loved loved loved. Like, multiple showings on opening weekend loved. So I watched it and this is the review I wrote on it. Skip this bit if you don't want spoilers.

Wow, what a bad movie.

I don't understand all the hubbub about this film. Well, maybe I can -- there's tons of stuff in this movie that "Serious Movie Critics" tend to swoon over -- none of which interest me much, honestly, and are as likely as not to actively repel me entirely.

So: set historically after the Spanish Civil War. Little girl, very pregnant mother, little military base in the woods, fascist officer step-father, a flying walking stick that the little girl thinks is a fairy, mysterious old garden mazes, rebel communists, spies, torture, gunfights, horses, murder, magic, blah blah blah. Lots of interesting possibilities of premises.

Nothing is done well.

Item : none of the characters are sympathetic. In the "adult" storyline, you have the fascists fighting against the communists. Okay, fascists bad, yes. Communists also bad, m'kay?

So I didn't much care who won. There's a bit where the pragmatic doctor is telling the rebels that they can't win, and they should flee the country and look for a better life. The rebel replies, "well, at least we can make things difficult for him!" Oh, how romantic!

Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft. Idiot.

Well, he is a communist, after all.

In the "child" storyline -- which follows the girl as she goes through some random quests to reclaim her fairy princess birthright -- the girl is an idiot. She shows no surprise or curiosity about the things going on around her. Maybe it's just a property of Eight Year Old Little Girls Who Are Suddenly Told They Are Really Princesses And Their Current Miserable Existence Is Just A Temporary Condition.

So the First Quest was kind of neat. Girl shows intestinal fortitude and cleverness to Get Things Done. "Hey," I think, "good for her. It's nice to have clever protagonists. You Go, Grrl."

And then the Second Quest.

Faun guy says, "Hey girl, go here -- make sure you hurry! -- let the fairies guide you, and don't eat anything! Your life depends on it! Nothing! I'll tell you again! Nothing!"

So the girl goes in -- does something pretty darn neat with some magic chalk. Dawdles. Ignores the advice of the fairies (but turns out to be right. Why? Damnfino). Then stops ... and ... eats ... a ... grape. Ignores the fairies who try to warn her. Brushes them off. Who can blame her? I mean, come on -- we're talking about grapes!

Nevermind that she's been told to hurry. Nevermind that there's a horrible monster sitting at the table, surrounded by paintings of said horrible monster eating children. Not just one painting depicting the monster in a Wagnerian painting on black velvet with Elvis-like halo striking a heroic pose. Several drawings of this guy doing terrible things.

Then she eats another grape.

And stands there, blissing out, as the monster wakes up, screws in its eyes, and starts coming after her. The fairies buy her some time -- two of them are messily eaten by the monster. He bites one fairy's head off (graphically, with attendant trailing viscera), and chews the other fairy in half (again, graphically). During this the idiot girl stands and watches, instead of running the hell out of there.

I'm kind of hoping that she'll slay the horrible monster with the nifty shiny new dagger she just picked up when she ignored the fairies' advice and opened a different cupboard ... but no, she just runs away.

Of course she manages to escape. Pan dude, however, is pissed off that she was stupid and disobedient. What does she say in her defense? "It was an accident!" Oh, sure. The grape just leapt off the table into your mouth. And then the grape's best friend, not wanting to be parted from his hetero-vinomate, also leapt down your gullet. Riiiiiight.

Accident my ass.

So, later in the movie she's sneaking around inside the quarters of the evil fascist step-father.

"Hey, I know," she thinks, "I'll leave this piece of magic chalk on his desk in plain sight where he can find it for no reason what-so-fucking-ever!"

And so she does. This is Mr. Director casting Create Aura of Suspense over the audience. I don't know about you, but I made my saving throw. The -578439574893 to plausibility and complete lack of coherent cause-effect relationship must have helped.

Item: Mr. Fascist discovers the doctor has an ampule of antibiotics that are just like the one he found at a rebel camp. Ergo, guilty of collusion! Ah ha! So brilliant!

And I'm thinking, "well, of course the antibiotics are packaged similarly. I doubt there are that many places you can get them. What, is the doctor rolling his own medically sanitized glass vials? Why shouldn't they be the same?" The doctor was guilty, but this was a stupid way of jamming that information into Mr. Fascist's head.

Item: The rebels rob the store house. Lots of explosions and stuff. But they open the fucking padlock with the key they'd been given and leave the padlock on the door, completely intact. Oh, no, that isn't suspicious at all. That isn't a dead giveaway that the fascists have a traitor in their midst. If you're going to break into a place to steal supplies, it should involve some breaking.

But, like I said, communists aren't all that bright.

And, again, a stupid way of jamming information into Mr. Fascist's head.

This is the worst movie I've seen in quite some time. This movie is so bad it seems to have made me angry, in case you couldn't tell by this post.

My older sister loved this film. So much so that she sent me $20 in fandango bucks so I'd go to the theater and watch it, because the special effects were so great.

The best special effects I noticed were of the open face fascist sandwich, and I'd be a happier person right now if I hadn't seen that. And why was he sewing up his own face, instead of having the platoon doctor do it, other than a clumsy (if effective) case of Mr. Director casting Generate Audience Squeamishness?

Jen covered her eyes during that entire sequence. Here's a hint, Mr. Director: if people look away from the screen so they don't have to watch your series of moving pictures, you have failed.

I should also note that I did watch it in the comfort of my own home. ^_^

Hopefully Sister the Elder will comment on why she thought it was worth watching twice in a weekend. Or anyone else who watched this thing and liked it.

But, after having watched it, I'm glad I did, just so I know what all the sound and fury is about. I wanted to like it. I was looking for something -- anything -- to enjoy. I was rooting for the film right up to the moment the idiot girl ate the grape. Our relationship just went downhill from there.

I just wish I'd thought of watching it at high speed earlier (instead of just this moment) so I didn't have to spend the entire evening on it. Maybe it'd've been a better movie with everyone talking like Spanish chipmunks.

Not recommended. In the least.


I seem to recall writing something about how the C&E for a series of her actions is stupidly inconsistent, but it may have been in another discussion.

I've found that I tend to write a lot more about things I don't like than things that I do. I wonder why.
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